


I Didn't Know I had a Heart Until He Stole It

by DayDreamingIsMyHobby



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pining, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-01-16 19:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DayDreamingIsMyHobby/pseuds/DayDreamingIsMyHobby
Summary: Everyone in that small mountain town knew a few things for certain:Kenny McCormick was reckless, Kenny McCormick was a bad influence, Kenny McCormick was a shameless flirt, and above all else...Kenny McCormick doesn't fall in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prior to this I have never been a Stenny shipper... So I thought it was strange when this idea came to me one night while I was being plagued by insomnia.
> 
> Apparently now I'm a Stan/Kenny shipper.
> 
> ***  
Update: This was originally a one shot titled "His Favorite Distraction" but I had an idea for another chapter that I couldn't get out of my head so I decided to turn this into a short story. That's part of the reason for the change in title.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy!  
***  


It was a typical Friday night in the small mountain town of South Park. The crisp chill that breezed through gave the consistent reminder that snow was in the air. Some folks were at home with their families enjoying an evening in, some of the younger residents were out looking for trouble, and many others were already fast asleep in their warm beds. For some, it was still a normal evening, but not in the simple, pleasant way the rest of the town was enjoying it.

The shouts and yells coming from somewhere in the McCormick’s tiny home could be heard from all the way down the street and it felt as if it was enough to shake the walls of their middle son Kenny’s bedroom.

If you were to ask the teenager, he would tell you that he could barely hear them because he was just so use to the constant battles his parents went through. But the truth was, he hated it.

There was once a time when he was young that he had often jumped in to try and stop the madness but it was always for nothing. He couldn’t get them to stop and to make matters worse, his attempts at intervening usually escalated things. So years later he instead would try and find an escape to block out the fighting that he refused to admit bothered him. 

Sometimes he would find a real place to go, other times he escaped by blasting music through his headphones and pretending he was somewhere else, anywhere but there.

Kenny pulled the hood of his orange parka over his head and pulled the strings tight, attempting to block out not only the noise, but also the frigid winter chill that was seeping in through his thin walls. The heating system must have been broken again, that or his parents were too busy getting high to remember to pay the bills. Kenny assumed it was the latter.

Kenny fell back onto his bed and continued swiping through potential matches on his Grindr app. He certainly wasn’t planning on being picky tonight, he was on a mission to find an excuse to get out of that dark, cold house as fast as he could manage.

Everyone knew Kenny McCormick was a slut and though he wasn’t necessarily proud of the title, he certainly didn't mind it. He liked it better than being known as the poor kid, which was an identity he had grown to despise after years of teasing.

Sometimes Kenny sought out the company of guys, sometimes he preferred girls, he liked them both equally and it just depended on his current feelings and mood. As he saw it, he was an equal opportunist and it gave him many more options to choose from.

Occasionally he knew exactly what he wanted out of life but most of the time he had no idea. But like he always said, he was 17 years old, so what if he didn't know what he wanted? But he, and everyone else in the small town of South Park knew a few things for certain, Kenny McCormick was a heart breaker, Kenny McCormick was reckless, Kenny McCormick was a bad influence, Kenny McCormick was a shameless flirt, and above all else;

Kenny Fucking McCormick doesn't fall in love.

It was getting harder to ignore the shouts that appeared to be getting louder, so Kenny started hastily typing out a message to his most recent match on Grindr. He was barely through his usual, “Just for tonight” message when his phone began buzzing in his hands. Being in a numbingly foul mood, he was not interested in seeing anyone he knew that evening. He went to slam on the “ignore” button but Kenny’s heart skipped a beat when he caught a glimpse of who was calling him. 

A photo of a laughing Stan Marsh along with his name flashed before his cracked phone screen causing his finger to stop short of pressing ignore. His head kept telling him to stick with his original plan and decline the call but his finger refused to listen. His eyes darted to the door quickly, knowing that if he did pick up that it would be impossible for Stan not to hear the commotion happening mere feet away. 

Logic screamed at him to let it go to voicemail and avoid the risk of him overhearing the disaster that was his family. Kenny liked his logic, he depended on it, but no matter how much he knew he shouldn’t, he couldn’t help but click the accept button and bring the phone quickly to his ear, hoping his hood would act as a some sort of sound barrier.

“Hey man. What’s up?”

The sounds of silence greeted his ears.

“Stan?”

Kenny’s heart sunk as the silence continued. He harshly told himself he was only disappointed in the pocket dial because he was in desperate need of an escape right now and talking to his close friend would have been perfect. It certainly wasn’t because Stan’s voice made his heart race, it couldn’t be because of that.

Kenny was about to hang up when he finally heard Stan speak;

“Kenny! Sorry I dropped you! Well I dropped my phone! You okay, dude?”

The way he giggled like an idiot and the obvious slur he was unsuccessfully trying to hide told Kenny immediately that Stan was drunk, very drunk.

“What’s up?” Kenny played with the string of his hood, hoping doing something so casual would convince both of them that he didn’t have a care in the world, and that his heart wasn’t beginning to race a mile a minute.

“I gotta talk to you. Can you come over?”

Kenny raised an eyebrow in disbelief before looking at the digital clock on his phone, “Now? It’s 10:30…”

“What you have a bedtime or something?” Stan teased followed by more hiccup filled laughter.

Kenny couldn’t help but smile, “Are you drunk, Stanley?”

“No!”

“Mhm,” Kenny rolled his eyes, “Are you parents home young man?”

“Nah. They’re gone. Went to Denver for the weekend.”

Kenny bit down hard on his lower lip. Something inside of him firmly told him this wasn’t a good idea, told him to just go back to that Grindr message he was in the middle of, or better yet, to just go to bed. But it was no use, he wanted to go see Stan. Desperately wanted to see him… But only because he was looking for a reason to get out of the house, he told himself, for no other reason besides that and only that.

“Kenny?”

“I’ll be over in 15 minutes.” Kenny blurted out before the logical part of his brain had a chance to convince him otherwise.

“Dude, you’re the best!”

“You better be awake and not passed out drunk by the time I get there.”

“I’m not drunk!”

“Whatever you say, Marsh. Just be awake when I get there.”

Kenny quickly hung up the phone and marched himself over to the clothing drawer that sat across from his bed. He dug through the few clean items scattered about until he finally found the half full bottle of cheap tequila his older brother had gotten him. Giving the cap a quick twist he swallowed down as much of the burning liquor as he could manage before tucking it securely underneath his parka.

He wasn’t drinking because he was nervous he swore to himself. He just knew he had better start now if he was going to be able to catch up to Stan’s level.

Kenny Fucking McCormick doesn’t get nervous, everyone knew that.

Kenny pressed his ear to the door to see if he could make out where the now muffled sounds of the never ending argument were coming from. He wasn’t truly worried about sneaking out. His parents barely noticed when he was there and wouldn’t notice when he was gone, but he didn’t want to risk getting spotted and potentially delaying his visit to see Stan.

When he felt confident that they were in their own room, he quietly slipped out of his own. Knowing there was one last thing he had to do before leaving, he carefully peaked around as he walked as softly as he could over to the bedroom door next to his. Kenny pushed the door open and glanced inside, relieved to see his younger sister Karen already fast asleep.

Kenny couldn’t be more grateful that she had learned to ignore their parents frequent fights to the point of being almost obliviously to them. Now she could sleep through just about anything. He knew it still bothered her but it didn’t affect her the way it did Kenny and he wouldn’t have it any other way. If he could, Kenny would take every ounce of pain from her and carry it so that she would never need to know sadness, or anger, or fear.

Kenny’s eyes fell to the ratty pink doll laying helplessly on the floor next to her bed. Without hesitation, he tiptoed through the small room and scooped it up. At 13-years-old, he knew his sister was too old for such things, but he didn’t care. Everyone had their ways of dealing with stress and hard times and he was just glad her coping mechanisms were a lot more innocent than his were.

Satisfied that she was secure, safe and should peacefully sleep through the night, he tenderly tucked the doll beneath his sister’s arm and bent down to kiss the top of her head.

As quietly as he could manage, he slipped out of her room and shut the door hoping it would block out anything that could keep her from her peaceful slumber. Knowing his sister would be okay for at least the rest of the night, Kenny felt confident marching through the doors and into the bitter Colorado darkness to make his way over to Stan’s.

***

Kenny found himself in front of the Marsh’s front door exactly 15 minutes later. He raised his fingers to the door bell but hesitated seconds before pushing it. A new wave of nerves washed over him and he found himself instead reaching for the bottle of tequila for the fifth time since he had left his home. It took him two tries to get the bottle cap off this time, the alcohol finally starting to hit him making him feel the most pleasant form of dizzy.

_“Why the fuck are you so nervous?”_ Kenny thought to himself, _“It’s just Stan. Just your sweet, loyal, attractive friend Stan.”_

“Fuck.” Kenny hissed as he chugged back the tequila.

He took a deep breath and, before anymore anxiety could stop him, he opened the door and started up the stairs to his room. He hoped to God that Stan was being honest when he said his parents weren’t home.

Sharon and Randy Marsh liked him just fine, at least he assumed they did, but he doubted very much that they would like him bursting into their home unannounced at almost 11:00 at night, a little buzzed and carrying a bottle of tequila into their drunk son’s room.

He involuntarily giggled at the thought of it. The feeling of laughter in his stomach helping to replace the nerves that had been sitting in there. The laughter continued until he reached Stan’s open bedroom door which he stumbled into without a second thought. Tripping slightly he glanced down at his feet with more laughter bubbling up in his throat.

“Kenny! You’re here!”

Kenny’s eyes darted up upon hearing his name. Stripped of his usual brown coat, Stan stood in an old t-shirt and plaid pajama pants, his signature red poof ball hat sitting askew on top of his messy black hair.

Seeing the beaming face of Stan standing before him made Kenny’s stomach flip in a strange but not unpleasant way. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out as he felt himself for the first time in a long time rendered speechless.

_“It’s the alcohol that’s making you feel this way,”_ Kenny’s thoughts whispered to him. _“It has absolutely nothing to do with how happy he seems to see you or how stupidly adorable he looks.”_

A strange giddy sensation engulfed him as Stan stumbled forward and practically collapsed onto him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders in a tight embrace. Kenny’s arms instinctively went around his waist as if he were greeting a date instead of one of his best friends. He knew it was a foolish thing to do but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away from Stan’s warm body.

He smelled like whiskey and cheap cologne and Kenny had to force himself from breathing it in too deep, fearing getting lost in the familiar scent of his friend and confusing his feelings any more than they already were in this moment.

After another minute of their far too long hug, what was left of his functioning logical brain snapped him to attention and eased him out of the arms of the drunken teen.

“I uh….” Kenny stuttered out, “I brought tequila.”

Holding up the bottle he was shocked to find merely a quarter of the clear liquor remaining.

“Well I planned on bringing tequila…”

“You drank it all?”

“Well… Not all of it…”

Stan only grinned wider as he pulled out his own bottle of whiskey, “That’s okay dude! I’ve got plenty left.”

Kenny smirked as he reached over and teasingly pulled the beanie cap over Stan’s eyes, “I thought you said you weren’t drunk?”

Stan pulled the hat from his head and tossed it aside, running his fingers briefly through his hair in a failed attempt to neaten it out.

“Don’t be an asshole, Kenny.” He chuckled.

Kenny merely shrugged and collapsed onto Stan’s bed, relieved he was finally starting to feel normal again now that the nerves had disappeared and the alcohol was taking on a life of its on within his system. He chugged the remaining tequila and let the bottle roll to the floor as he sat up, looking over at Stan.

“So, you managed to drag me out here. What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Oh right! I almost forgot.”

Kenny waited patiently, a smirk playing on his features as he watched Stan take a swig from his bottle. He couldn’t help but notice how the motion made the muscles in his arm press against the sleeve of his worn out shirt. Swaying slightly, Stan handed over the bottle to Kenny who couldn’t think of a reason not to take it. His lips had barely touched it when Stan blurted out his drunk confession;

“I’m in love.”

Kenny froze mid sip and was grateful that nothing had passed through his lips or else he would have risked an actual spit take. Annoyed that those strange butterflies decided to flutter back to his stomach at that exact moment he quickly decided to drown them with a large gulp of Jack Daniels.

“Oh yeah? With who?” Kenny finally managed to say, trying to pass off as much nonchalance as he could manage.

Stan paused, looking suddenly fearful and reached out for the bottle as if some liquid courage was necessary before he spoke again. Kenny suddenly felt less than willing to hand it over but did so anyways. Stan didn’t take a sip and instead just chose to hold it and gaze at the label for a moment or two as if it were the most interesting thing he had ever seen. He only glanced back up at Kenny briefly before opening his mouth to speak;

“Kyle.” He mumbled, “I’m in love with Kyle.”

It was as if the air had been sucked from his lungs and his heart decided to take a scuba trip down to his stomach as the name pierced his ears. It was the second time that night he found himself rendered speechless. He racked his brain trying to think of something say, anything. If he waited too long to respond he knew Stan would think he was upset. Which of course he wasn’t, he couldn’t be, there was no reason to be.

Finally his body recovered from his sudden mental shock and he felt himself nod in response.

“Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.” He spoke with a voice that didn’t sound like his own, “I guess I already knew that.”

Finally looking back up at him, Stan’s deep blue eyes searched his own, “How?”

“Dude. I’ve known you since we were in preschool. I know almost everything about you.” 

_“Too much Kenny.”_ He hissed to himself, _“Don’t make it weird.”_

“And you wear your God damn heart on your sleeve. I guess it was obvious. Just the way you are around him, the way you look at him.” Kenny quickly cleared his throat, not liking how his voice sounded at the moment. “I think Kyle himself is the only one who doesn’t really know.”

Stan looked dumbstruck for a moment, staring at Kenny but not appearing to really see him as his intoxicated brain tried to make sense of what he just said. Kenny’s eyes merely dropped to the bottle of whiskey which he suddenly realized he _really_ wanted back. He didn’t like this strange sinking feeling that was overtaking him and wanted the light tipsy feeling he had only moments before.

_“What the fuck is wrong with you?”_ He thought, _“Did you think Stan was going to say it was you he was in love with? You’re a lot of things Kenny, but you’re not stupid.”_

Quickly telling himself he should be relieved that it was in fact Kyle and not him, that they both just avoided a very awkward conversation and possibly ruining their friendship over this. Kenny was just lonely, that was all. He certainly hadn’t developed feelings for one of his closest friends. That was absurd.

Kenny Fucking McCormick doesn’t do mushy things like feelings, everyone knew that.

Upon this realization, some of his confidence came back in small waves. He managed to stand up and gently pull the bottle from Stan’s hands.

Aware that he was standing too close to him, he looked him right in the eye as he took a large drink from the remaining half bottle. Stan watched him with furrowed brows as he waited for his response;

“So you’re in love with your best friend,” Kenny stated as he wiped the whiskey from his lips. “What are you going to do about it, Marsh?”

Stan shrugged slowly, “I have no fucking idea.”

Kenny nodded slowly and pushed the whiskey bottle back into his hands, “Am I the first person you’ve told?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Because I trust you and it seemed like a good idea when the whiskey kicked in,” Stan gripped the bottle tighter and managed a weak smile. “I’ve been holding onto this secret for a long time. I just felt like I couldn’t keep it to myself much longer.”

“Do you feel better now that you told me?”

“Yeah I do actually. Feels like some weight’s been lifted off my chest.”

“Good.”

Kenny turned from Stan and scanned his eyes around the room, trying to look casual and bored as he searched for a distraction. Running out of options, his gaze finally landed on the guitar leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the room.

Kenny plopped himself down and took the guitar in his hands, fumbling with the tuning keys as he tried to get his jumbled brain to focus on something else.

“What do you think I should do?”

Kenny kept his attention on the guitar as he shrugged, “I have no idea. Tell him I guess.”

“That’s what I was afraid you would say.”

“Well that’s what people do when they like someone, right? They tell them and hopefully they like them back and all that stupid shit.”

“Is that what you would do?”

Kenny’s fingers fumbled briefly and he prayed that Stan didn’t notice, “I couldn’t tell you. I’ve never liked someone enough to want to be with them for longer than a night.”

“I know this isn’t your thing but could you try to be a little more helpful?” Stan sounded on the cusp of getting annoyed, “Be a friend for a second since that’s why I asked you to come over.”

Kenny froze and finally glanced up at Stan. The guilt rising in his chest briefly chased away the feelings of jealousy that he couldn’t explain. “Sorry dude. I just suck at this. How can I help?”

Stan gave him a small smile as a show of forgiveness, “You think I should tell him? What do I say?”

“I don’t know,” Kenny fought back against the rising resentment and used his energy to focus on the hopeful look sitting on Stan’s face. He racked his brain quickly trying to come up with what someone useful would say in this situation. What _he_ might say if he ever had a reason to.

“Just tell him what he means to you. What it is you like about him. Maybe that you’re glad you guys are friends but you can’t help but want more.” Kenny paused hoping that Stan would be satisfied with that answer. When he saw that he was still expecting him to say more, something unintentional spilled from his lips;

“That it’s something that’s been growing inside of you for a long time and it was time you let him know. That if you only want to be friends that’s fine, but you had to get it off you chest in the hopes that maybe you feel the same way.”

Kenny felt heat start to rise to the back of his neck as he realized how vulnerable he made himself sound. He forced his eyes back to the guitar stings and finished up tuning the instrument.

“Wow Kenny. I’m actually surprised, that was really good.”

“Yeah whatever. I don’t know. Best I can do without personal experience.”

“It’s perfect.”

Kenny only shrugged in return. Actively avoiding eye contact for fear that his face was as red as he felt it was, Kenny started softly strumming on the guitar. Determined to use the music as a way to divert his focus from the concerning ideas playing in his head.

The only sound was the soft strumming as a thick tension seemed to gather in the air but Kenny couldn’t tell if he was the only one who felt it. After a minute or two, Stan finally broke the silence;

“Since when do you play guitar?”

“Eh I don’t actually play,” Kenny shrugged keeping his eyes on the strings. “I learned a couple of easy songs. I’m better at bass but you can’t really play that on its own.”

“Which songs?”

“Doesn’t matter. I just learned them because it attracts girls like vultures to a corpse.”

“That works? Really?”

Kenny nodded, “Yup. Not on all of them but most of them. A lot of guys too.”

Stan was silent for a moment as he thought this through, “I can play pretty well. Do you think that would work on Kyle? Think if I played a song for him, he might like it?”

“I don’t know dude.” He responded too harshly and bit down hard on his tongue to try and soften his words, “Maybe? Yeah probably.”

“Play something.” Stan said faintly.

Kenny finally looked up and felt a strange tingling sensation trickle through his blood stream, making his heart beat two times too fast. He would normally jump head first into the opportunity to show off but something about the prospect of playing something for Stan and Stan alone filled him with doubt. His confidence wavering, he lowered his eyes. 

“Nah it’s stupid. I’m not even very good.”

“Oh come on.” Stan grinned, “Don’t be a tease.

Kenny half glanced back up at Stan and met his grin with a smirk and a wink, “Why not? Being a tease is what I’m best at.

The joke clearly breaking whatever tension had filled the air, Stan laughed and took a large sip from the whiskey. “Stop. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re good at a lot of things.”

Kenny rolled his eyes and put the guitar back against the wall, reaching his now free hand out for his turn with the bottle.

“Remember when we started a band when we were kids?”

“Which one?” Kenny chuckled.

“Any of them. All of it was embarrassing.” Stan moved the guitar so he could join him against the wall.

“The death metal band wasn’t bad!” Kenny light heartedly argued.

The two continued to reminisce as they slowly finished off the last of the whiskey. The laughter increasing as the bottle’s contents depleted. Happy that things were finally easy and normal again, Kenny tried to ignore the way his body reacted when their hands grazed as they passed the bottle back and forth.

Back to his overly intoxicated state Stan laughed too hard at something Kenny said and snorted which brought tears of laughter to Kenny’s eyes. He liked making Stan laugh, he loved it honestly. But only because he liked seeing his friend happy, not at all because he happened to love the sound of Stan’s laugh or the way he leaned on him when he laughed too hard. Exactly like what he was doing right at that moment. 

Stan had always been an overly affection guy, much more touchy feely than most. So Kenny knew it wasn’t exclusive to him or that it meant anything at all, but those facts didn’t stop him from taking enjoyment out of it.

Trying to catch his breath Stan wheezed and then breathed in too deeply. Keeping his head on Kenny’s shoulder, he gazed up at him. His glassy eyes holding the evidence of the alcohol still heavily running through his system.

“Dude you reek of cigarettes.” He sat up and pushed a little away to Kenny’s dismay, “Did you start smoking again?”

“Maybe. So?”

“It's not good for you.” Stan slurred his voice rising in a way that made him sound like he was 8-years-old again.

“Most of the things I do aren't good for me.”

“But you quit. What happened? Is everything okay?” The concern that was so apparent on Stan’s face made it difficult for Kenny to lie and pass it off like it wasn’t a big deal. 

“Just have a lot on my mind. It... It relaxes me... Makes me forget about things for a little while.”

He hoped that Stan would take the hint and just let it go but he had no such luck as his friend continued to press him for information.

“What's going on?”

“It doesn't matter.” Kenny mumbled, uncomfortable with the amount of focus on topics he didn’t want to think about right now, let alone talk about.

“It does, dude!” Stan snapped, his voice quickly softening sounding thick with care and concern, “You know you can talk to me about anything and everything. You do know that right?”

Kenny’s light blue eyes locked in on Stan’s deep blue ones. Another wave of those strange feelings he couldn’t explain coursed through him as he swallowed.

_“Not everything.”_ He thought to himself before responding out loud;

“I know. It's just my life is more complicated than I let on. No need to burden you guys when you have your own problems.”

The unexpected confession startled Kenny but he welcomed the new feeling in hopes it would distract from the confusing emotions that were threatening to drown him every time Stan locked eyes with him. The switch in emotions only lasted seconds before he found himself slipping again as Stan pushed himself back closer to Kenny. His rough hand grabbing his own in a show of support.

“If you’re having problems you should tell us. Or just me if you don’t want the other guys to know. You shouldn't suffer alone. Thats what friends are here for. I love you, man. Tell me what's wrong.”

Kenny swallowed hard and slowly shook his head, trying to avoid the deep blue eyes that felt like they were trying to suck his soul in. He tried to ignore the way Stan was leaning so close into him. The smell of whiskey so strong on his breath that he could practically taste it. He held his breath as the thought passed across his mind of how much better the whiskey would taste coming off of Stan’s tongue.

“Another time.” He finally choked out as he forced himself to shake Stan’s hand from his, reaching instead for the back of his neck. “Tonight we’re suppose to be focusing on you and your problems. That’s why I came over, remember? I'm okay. I promise.”

He wasn't entirely okay but he was fine. Maybe he wasn’t exactly fine at the moment but he was going to be. Once he sobered up and he wasn’t sitting so close to Stan, and his stupid heart wasn’t betraying him and messing with his senses by beating so damn fast.

He reminded himself that he was Kenny Fucking McCormick and Kenny Fucking McCormick doesn't fall in love. Especially not with one of his best friends. At most it was only a crush. He’d get over it in no time at all. He had too.

Stan didn’t look entirely convinced that he was okay but as his eyes began to droop and his head looked as if it had become too heavy for his neck, he lost his will to keep pushing him, to Kenny’s relief. After a moment Stan let out a soft, laugh sounding deep and sleepy.

“I can’t tell if I’m super drunk or just really tired.”

“Probably both”

Stan nodded slowly and with great effort, “I should lie down.”

Kenny’s mood shifted into disappointment knowing the night was coming to a close, not quite ready to leave his side just yet but knowing it was for the best he agreed.

“Yeah, probably.”

Stan nodded again as he lowered his body to the floor, resting his head comfortably in Kenny’s lap. Kenny at first stiffened up at the unexpected turn of events but far too quickly felt his body melt into it. He didn’t want to but he couldn’t stop the smile that forcibly pulled at his cheeks. Kenny knew he should get Stan tucked into his bed and should get himself home, but he wasn’t ready, not just yet.

He would have plenty of time to forget about his developing crush, but with the alcohol still subtly buzzing through his system he knew it was a pointless fight to get into at the moment. So instead of denying the feelings, he instead decided to blame it on the whiskey and embrace it as he reached down and tenderly started stroking his fingers through Stan’s thick hair.

Stan moaned slightly in sleepy approval at his touch which sent a pleasurable chill down Kenny’s spine. 

“Feels nice,” Stan mumbled.

Hoping to pull more noises like that from Stan, Kenny felt compelled to continue his gentle caresses.

“Your hair is so much nicer now than we were kids.” Kenny chuckled.

“Shut up, asshole. My hair was fine.”

“Respectfully disagree, Stanley.” Kenny grinned, “Your hair was straggly and greasy and gross.”

On the cusp of sleep Stan didn’t have the energy to argue, “Eh whatever, dude.”

Not wanting Stan to fall asleep and having this moment end forever Kenny tried to keep the conversation going. He felt selfish from keeping the drunk teen from some much needed rest but he couldn’t help it, so he told himself that it was just for a few more minutes.

“What did you do to it?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Why the hell not?”

“You’re going to make fun of me.” Stan whined.

“Well now I have to know.”

Stan groaned in a childish way, “Don’t stop playing with my hair. It’s really relaxing.”

Not realizing he had become distracted and had stopped, he grinned enjoying this bit of power and control he had gained over Stan in the situation.

“I’ll only keep going if you tell me.”

“Fine.” Stan groaned, “I have this really expensive shampoo and conditioner that I use.”

“What?” Kenny couldn’t help but chuckle at the drunk confession.

“Don’t laugh. It really works.”

“Where do you get it?”

“Some girl was selling it online and…”

Kenny couldn’t stop the laughter that burst from him, “It’s girls shampoo and conditioner besides?”

“Fuck you. I’m never telling you anything ever again.”

“That’s a lie.” Kenny cooed, pulling another goosebump inducing moan from Stan as he scratched his fingers through his scalp. Instantly fearing a more intense reaction starting to build that Stan was sure to notice, Kenny toned it back a little, allowing the conversation to ease back along with it.

A few minutes of stillness passed and Kenny was letting himself relax, the sound of Stan’s steady breathing forcing himself into the beginning stages of falling asleep. His eyes finally shut just as Stan’s soft voice broke the silence;

“Hey Kenny?”

“Yeah Stan?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

Stan paused for a beat, “At the risk of sounding like a complete wuss…”

“Little late for that after the whole beauty products thing.” Kenny interrupted.

“Dude, why the fuck are you such a dick?”

“I’m sorry. I know am.” He opened his eyes and looked down at the comfortable looking boy, “What were you going to say?”

“Do you think I have a shot with Kyle?”

Kenny felt a lump form in his throat which he quickly swallowed down, but his voice still sounded heavy as he responded, “I’m the wrong person to be asking, man. I suck at this stuff.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve had tons of boyfriends and girlfriends. Who would know better than you?”

“That’s different.” Kenny looked away, for the first time ever feeling ashamed of his promiscuous behavior. “None of them mean anything to me. They weren’t boyfriends or girlfriends. They were just people I spent the night with. I use them for the company and for, well, you know…Other needs. That was it.”

“Why?”

“We all have our vices, Stan.”

“True. I’m hardly one to judge.” He mumbled as he sleepily gestured towards the general direction in which he believed the empty bottle of Jack Daniels lay forgotten. Pulling his arm back, Stan repositioned himself and snuggled himself closer to Kenny on his lap, one hand resting underneath his head as the other laid on Kenny’s thigh.

Kenny’s breathe hitched and he briefly forgot how to inhale and exhale as his brain was consumed with thoughts of Stan and only Stan. By the time he learned how to breath again he was sure Stan had fallen asleep. Kenny’s eyes traced over his peaceful features as a sudden thought spilled from his lips before he could stop himself;

“You know. If it doesn't happen with Kyle.. there are… a lot of other guys who would be… so lucky to have you.” Kenny’s voice was barely above a whisper. Part of him hoping his words would go unheard, another part of him desperate for him to understand what he meant.

His body tensed as he felt Stan turn himself around so that he could look up at him. He smiled at Kenny warmly, his dark lashes covering most of the blue in his eyes, fighting the battle for sleep.

“Thanks Ken.” He finally said, “But I don't think I could love anyone the way I love Kyle.”

Kenny’s mouth went dry, and he bit down hard on his tongue in order to maintain a neutral look.

“Yeah… Well I don’t know anything about love, or actual relationships but,” Kenny sighed and looked straight ahead instead of at his friend curled up in his lap, “You’re the best guy I know, Stan. You’re really something special. Kyle would be an idiot if he doesn’t feel the same way about you.”

Kenny didn’t have to look back down to know Stan was smiling up at him, his blinks becoming longer and more frequent as sleep fought to take over.

“Your such a good friend, man. You’re easily my best friend after Kyle.”

Kenny tried to swallow the lump in his throat but found his mouth too dry for such a task, “Thanks, Stan. You should get some sleep.”

“Can you stay the night?”

The innocence behind such a simple request made Kenny feel strangely uneasy, “I don’t know. I shouldn’t.”

“Why not? You use to sleepover all the time. Please, Kenny? I’ll take you out to breakfast tomorrow. My treat!”

Kenny finally found he couldn’t resist the pull that was leading him back to look down at Stan.

“Okay. Sure, Stan. I'll stay.”

Stan grinned in victory, “I knew I’d win you over with the promise of food.”

Kenny wanted to roll his eyes but he couldn’t seem to manage to pull them away from Stan’s face. 

“Need help getting into bed?”

Stan groaned and rolled back over, snuggling himself back into a comfortable position, making Kenny freeze and hold his breath, desperately trying to will his body not to react to the friction he was causing.

“Can we stay like this for just a few more minutes? You’re really comfortable and I’m too tired to move.”

“Yeah,” Kenny exhaled. “We can stay like this for as long as you want.”

“Wow. You must be really stoked about that breakfast. If I’d known you’d be so easy to please I would have asked for much bigger favors.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, Stan.”

Stan patted Kenny’s thigh and let his hand stay resting there, “You're the best, Kenny.”

Kenny watched in silence and awe as Stan quickly drifted into a deep sleep. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to stir the out cold teen, he couldn’t resist combing his fingers through his hair for just a few moments longer.

Kenny McCormick knew nothing about love, he didn’t know what it took to make someone happy, to care about one person and one person only, he didn’t want to, he didn’t even truly believe love was real. But watching Stan in this moment, he couldn’t help but feel differently.

The alcohol had officially worn off so he no longer had an excuse for the feelings that were growing instead of fading like he had hoped. Starting deep in his stomach and slowly blooming up as if it was going through his blood stream, trying to reach every inch of his body. He wanted to fight back, to stop it from consuming him but he was so tired of fighting. And as much as he wanted to deny it, he liked this new feeling settling over him. The warm sensation wrapping him up like a hug as Stan lay like a puzzle piece in his lap.

Almost as quickly as he accepted these foreign feelings did his logical brain snap him to attention, scolding him for the fluffy crap that had been floating through his mind. A cold reality crashing over him as he took in his position and glancing down seeing Stan’s.

"God damn it.” Kenny whispered under his breath as he forced himself to pull his fingers from Stan's thick hair, the lingering smell of that stupid fancy shampoo he used passing across his nose as he reached up to grab a fist full of his own blonde locks.

He swore it wouldn't happen. That it couldn't happen. The whole town new it wasn’t possible. But here it was…

Kenny Fucking McCormick had fallen in love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly filler but necessary filler. The next chapter and the last chapter are what my main additional ideas were that turned this into a short story instead of a one shot.
> 
> ***

The first thought that came to Kenny’s head as he was unwillingly pulled from his slumber was, _“Why the fuck is it so bright in here?”_

His second thought consisted of wondering where the hell he was and why he was sleeping sitting up.

When he finally opened his eyes and saw that Stan was still fast asleep in his lap, his remaining thought was simply;

_“Oh fuck.”_

All at once everything that had happened the night before came rushing back to him. The easy conversation, the way his insides lit up whenever Stan smiled at him, how his body responded when he curled up in his lap, that he thought he might have actually fallen in love…

_Fuck._

As his heart started thumping in his chest and those stupid butterflies found their way back into his stomach he realized that those feelings he had drunkenly confessed to himself were not just a passing thing. It was still lingering much to Kenny’s dismay.

_“Out of all the people in the world. Why for fucks sake did it have to be Stan Marsh?”_

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, Kenny tried to look anywhere he could except for the peacefully sleeping boy laying in his lap. But it was no use, he was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. 

Kenny argued back and forth with himself whether or not to wake up Stan. Not wanting to disturb him but also battling with the fact that his back was sore from the uncomfortable position he hadn’t budged from all night and that his head hurt from the straight alcohol they had consumed mere hours earlier. He finally settled on nudging him gently, hoping it would be enough to ease him out of sleep mostly on his own.

He watched as Stan stirred and began to pull himself out of his deep sleep. The same confusion developing on his face that Kenny had also experienced a short time ago. When Stan was finally able to take in his surroundings and remember where he was he quickly sat up, though he regretted this action immediately and reached for his temples.

“Ow my fucking head.”

“Drinking whiskey straight will do that to you.”

Stan groaned and rubbed at his eyes, “Worst mistake I’ll keep making over and over again. Did I sleep on you all night?”

“Apparently.”

“Sorry, dude. I was out cold.”

Kenny muttered something back about it not being a big deal but his thoughts were too distracted to really know what he had said. Bits and pieces of the evening before were coming back and even though overall it had been a good night, there was one topic of discussion Kenny secretly hoped Stan was too drunk to remember.

Kenny bit his lower lip and contemplated just letting it go but couldn’t resist his curiosity, “Do you remember anything from last night?”

Stan finally looked over at him, squinting against the daylight;

“Yeah most of it.” Stan looked away as if embarrassed, “Thanks for letting me whine about Kyle.”

_“Shouldn’t have brought it up, McCormick.”_ Kenny hissed to himself.

“Well, what are friends for?” Kenny stood up to crack his back, Stan followed suit.

“Actually that reminds me. I promised you breakfast.”

“You don’t have to do that. It’s fine.”

“Nah really. I insist. Besides, if you feel as shitty as I do we’ll both need something greasy in our stomachs. Let me just get changed. Do you want to borrow some clothes or anything?”

The passing thought of what the people of South Park would think seeing bad boy Kenny McCormick out with Stan Marsh early on a Saturday morning wearing his clothes was almost too tempting not to do but Kenny shook his head anyways.

“I’m fine. Won’t be my first time going out in the clothes I slept in. Being poor has it’s perks sometimes.”

“Whatever, dude.” Stan chuckled as he pulled fresh clothes from his drawer.

When Kenny glanced over and saw that he was getting undressed right in front of him, Kenny quickly averted his eyes. It was very out of character for him to do so but he briefly couldn’t remember what he would have normally done in this situation. And in his current state of mind, he knew seeing a naked Stan Marsh standing before him would not be a good idea.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” Kenny responded quickly without looking back at him. “Just giving you some privacy.”

“Dude, I don’t care. I have to get naked and shower with all the other guys in the locker room all the time.”

_“Thanks for that image, Stan.”_ Kenny internally groaned as he slowly turned back around, thankful to see he was wearing clothes now.

As the final touch, Stan yanked his red poof ball hat over his head, covering most of his black hair. The action pulling a sudden memory of fancy shampoo and what it felt like to have Stan’s hair running through his fingers. The strong image making Kenny wish they could go back and do last night all over again.

Before he could drift too deep into that memory, Stan’s voice broke him from his thoughts;

“Alright I’m good. Let’s go.”

***

South Park only had one decent diner in the entire town and on a Saturday at 8:00am it was already packed as expected. Stan and Kenny were lucky to have scored the last empty table and were seated just as a line started to form outside.

Stan jabbered on about how hungry he was and all the things he was going to order but to Kenny it just sounded like static. Instead of listening intently to Stan’s ramble, or reading the menu, he scanned his tired eyes over the chatty boy.

He analyzed his features and mannerisms, trying to pick out what it was about him that was making him feel so strange. Hoping he could find a way to turn it off. Because so far, he wasn’t digging this whole “feelings” thing.

“What are you going to get?”

Kenny blinked quickly realizing he hadn’t been listening, “Sorry, what?”

“You okay?” Stan tilted his head at him in concern.

“Yeah, I’m just tired and hungover. Didn’t exactly sleep great.”

“Sorry.” Stan muttered sheepishly. “If it helps at all, I slept like a rock. You are really comfortable to sleep on.”

Kenny had to look away from his captivating eyes and boyish grin, hoping to high heaven Stan wouldn’t notice the subtle blush that was starting to creep up on his face.

_Of all the fucking people in this town…_

Kenny’s wandering focus ended up landing on their approaching waitress, her blonde ponytail bouncing behind her, her long legs poking out of her knee length skirt, and every step she took filled with sex appeal and overpowering confidence. Out of pure instinct Kenny’s eyes skimmed the length of her body, he had to hand it to her, the girl knew how to grab everyone’s attention.

"I had no idea anyone could pull off those stupid uniforms until you came strutting over here, Bebe."

Kenny's half hearted attempt at flirting felt weird coming off his tongue but no one else seemed to notice, especially not Bebe who rolled her eyes in response but couldn't hide the tight lipped pleased grin. It was the same look every girl gave him who pretended not to love his advances.

"What can I get you guys?"

"Something that's good for a hangover" Stan chuckled.

"That would be the #5 with all the fixings."

"Two of those then."

Bebe wrote it down and gave the two a smirk before flipping her blonde curls over her shoulder. It was hard to miss the seductive way she swung her hips as she headed back to the kitchen but Kenny hardly noticed as his gaze fell back on Stan who seemed to be looking at him attentively with an air of curiosity. 

"You ever hook up with Bebe?"

Kenny shrugged, "We've made out a couple of times at parties but nothing more than that. I think she's afraid what her friends would say if they found out she hooked up with the poorest kid in town. Which is hilariously adorable considering I've hooked up with half of her friends."

Stan released a breathy laugh but it sounded almost forced, his shoulders appearing more tense than they had mere moments earlier.

“Not Wendy though. I never did anything with Wendy if you’re worried.”

“Nah, dude.” Stan quickly shook his head. “Wasn’t worried about that. We’ve been over for a while. And besides, I’ve kinda had someone else on my mind.”

“Oh, right…”

Kenny tried to return Stan’s knowing smile but it felt too strained so he instead rested his head on the back of the seat hoping it just looked like he was struggling with his hangover and not that just the thought of Stan’s feelings for Kyle made him feel sick to his stomach.

Fortunately before Stan had a chance to continue that conversation, Bebe reappeared with two large tumbler glasses.

"What's this?" Stan raised an eyebrow at her.

"Orange juice." Bebe fluttered her eyelashes at him in false innocence.

"We didn't order orange juice."

"You ordered a number 5 with all the fixings. Orange juice is part of the fixings. And besides it'll be good for your hangover." Bebe pushed the glass closer to Kenny and winked.

As she walked away Kenny brought the glass to his lips and took a tentative sip.

"Yeah that's not orange juice." Kenny shook his head. "That's a glass of champagne with a splash of orange juice."

Stan laughed and took a large drink from his glass, "Fucking Bebe."

Kenny internally groaned when he noticed that Stan even looked cute when he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. His burning thoughts tauntingly whispered to him;

_“You’ve got it fucking bad for him, dude.”_

Kenny racked his brain and tried to come up with something to say, anything. He was never this quiet and Stan was bound to figure out that he wasn’t just distracted because of their late night drinking shenanigans. He glanced around the room hoping to find something to spark up a topic. During his search his eyes landed on two familiar boys waiting by the hostess stand for the next open seats.

Craig Tucker had a lazy arm wrapped around the much shorter Tweek who was clutching a takeaway coffee cup in his hands, chatting enthusiastically while Craig sleepily listened patiently. When Craig and Kenny locked eyes they flashed each other the middle finger as a way of friendly greeting.

Kenny couldn’t help but chuckle and shake his head as he turned back to Stan. Kenny and Craig had a love/hate relationship that he enjoyed greatly. They weren’t exactly close but Kenny still considered him a friend. Craig occasionally bummed cigarettes off of Kenny when Tweek wasn’t around and it was in those private moments behind the school or at Stark’s pond that they bonded.

"What about Craig?"

Stan’s voice interrupted Kenny’s thoughts and pulled him back to the table.

"What about him?"

"Have you hooked up with him?"

"Fuck no, dude. He's been in love with Tweek since we were 10. I may be a reckless bad influence but I am not a home wrecker."

"Sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"Why the sudden interest in who I've hooked up with?"

Stan shrugged and took another large sip from his glass, "Just making conversation I guess."

“Sorry,” Kenny sighed, “I know I’m not much of a talker today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now.”

“It’s fine, dude. You said last night you had a lot on your mind. I get it.”

“You remember that?”

“Of course. I was pretty drunk but I still remember most of last night. I’m not gonna push you, but if you need to talk, I’m here for you.”

Stan’s genuine smile and the way he reached over to give Kenny’s wrist a light squeeze made him swallow hard and look down at his still full glass sitting between his fingers.

_“Stop making me want you, Stan. Please stop.”_

“Thanks, dude.”

Kenny hardly noticed as their food was placed in front of him, and he definitely didn’t notice how Bebe leaned further forward than necessary in front of Kenny, showing off her cleavage. Instead of giving a flirty response back like he normally would, he mumbled a thank you to her annoyance.

Between mouthfuls of food, Stan gestured towards her retreating form as she huffed off.

“If you do want, Bebe. You’ve figured out how to get her. This whole ignoring her thing is driving her crazy.” Stan laughed, “She’s practically throwing herself at you.”

“Maybe I’ll catch her at the next party.” Kenny smirked and gave it some serious thought. Maybe fooling around with Bebe was exactly what he needed to forget about Stan.

“Good to know the whole ‘hard to get thing’ actually works.”

Kenny had a sneaking suspicion that Stan desperately wanted to talk about Kyle. Why else was he talking this much about hook ups and best ways to get someone’s attention? Kenny sighed and swallowed down his jealously. He picked at his plate of untouched food and finally gave in;

“So are you going to tell Kyle?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes and no.”

Kenny forced himself to take a bite of his waffles and chased it down with a large gulp of mimosa, “What’s the worse that can happen?”

“That he freaks out and hates me.”

“Kyle could never hate you.”

“Kyle has anger issues. He absolutely could hate me.” Stan tried to joke but it came out awkward and nervous, “And I wouldn’t even know how to tell him.”

“Just tell him the truth.”

“What? That I’ve been in love with him since we were kids and he’s all I think about?”

Those words stung enough to make Kenny visibly flinch but he tried to pass it off like he was just stretching.

“Yeah. Tell him that.”

“I don’t know. I’m scared, dude.”

Kenny finally looked back at his friend. He took in the way he nervously bit his lip and rested his elbow on the table, a hand gripping the edges of his hat.

“Then don’t tell him yet. Just wait until you’re ready.”

Stan nodded and moved his attention back to his half empty plate. Kenny once again couldn’t resist his curiosity even though he knew it would hurt to hear;

“Is he really all you think about?”

Stan glanced up at Kenny, “Yeah. I think about him all the God damn time.”

Kenny’s stomach turned from a mix of envy and from fear that he could be at risk of having the same problem, “That sounds awful.”

“Sometimes but it’s also kind of nice.”

“Thinking about someone all the time while not knowing if they feel the same way about you? Sounds like a living hell. I rather have no feelings at all.” Kenny shook his head and finished off the last of the contents of his glass.

“You’ve never felt like that for someone before?”

Kenny only shook his head, fearing his voice would betray something he wasn’t entirely sure was true or not yet. Stan eyed him for a moment causing fear to strike Kenny that he might be able to see right through him. After an extended moment of scrutiny Stan finally broke the eye contact and pushed away his empty plate.

“You’re lucky. It’s exhausting.” Stan leaned back and crossed his arms, “But I guess I also feel sorry for you.”

“Don’t.” Kenny breathed. “The last thing I need or want is to fall that hard for someone.”

***

The walk home from the diner was a long, cold one but Kenny didn’t mind. The last 12 hours had been a lot to take in and now he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts.

His heart and his head were in a battle and, at this point, Kenny wasn’t sure who he wanted to win. He didn’t understand these new feelings, he didn’t know what he was suppose to think, or do, or how to handle it. All he knew was he hadn’t stopped picturing Stan Marsh’s stupid, goofy, smiling face since he left it back at that diner.

He missed him already even though he just left him, and he hated it.

Kenny reached into his back pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He needed to calm himself down, he just needed a little distraction. He spun the lighter between his fingers and pulled out a cigarette with his teeth, already feeling a little more relaxed by the ritual. But when he fired up his lighter he faltered.

_Stan doesn’t like it when you smoke. He’s worried about you._

Kenny wanted to tell his increasingly self aware brain to shut the fuck up. Kenny McCormick does whatever he wants. So what if Stan was upset about it? It’s not affecting him, they aren’t dating, he can’t complain that he tastes like an ash tray. He can’t because Kyle doesn’t smoke, and the only guy Stan will be kissing anytime soon is Kyle.

Kenny sparked up the little flame and took the smoke deep into his lungs, holding it there for longer than normal before he released it into the open air along with his burst of anger.

The rest of the walk home Kenny tried to convince himself that his feelings weren’t valid. It was just a simple crush that would fade, a passing infatuation that he would get bored with, an intriguing fantasy that he would forget about as soon as someone else wound up in his bed.

The sudden impulse to text Bebe came over Kenny. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone, right? A conquest was exactly what he needed, and Bebe might be the perfect cure.

Kenny took another hit off his cigarette and pulled out his phone. His screen temporarily hidden by the cloud of smoke that surrounded the small area. As the smoke cleared he realized that he had a text already, a text from none other than Stan;

“Thanks again for letting me talk about my stupid stuff. I love you, man.”

Kenny’s heart swelled and he unconsciously smiled. A single finger tracing over the text message wishing he could caress Stan’s features the same way.

Reality dawned back on Kenny almost as quickly as the impulse to touch the screen had and he shoved his phone back in his pocket, groaning loudly in frustration and distress.

_Please don’t let me be in love with Stan Fucking Marsh._


	3. Chapter 3

It had been exactly one month since Kenny realized his feelings for Stan and it had been the single longest month of his life. Everything he did reminded him of Stan, every song he heard, every waking thought and every late night dream was filled with him.

And Kenny hated it.

He hated how excited he felt when he saw Stan approaching him, he hated how whenever Stan smiled at him his insides lit on fire, he hated how many sleepless nights he spent staring up at his ceiling as he replayed moments with Stan in his head over and over again, and most of all he hated that he secretly loved feeling this way.

It was just a crush.

At least that’s what Kenny constantly told himself. Determined that it would fade in time. Desperately trying to convincing himself that Stan was merely a challenge for him. Someone he couldn’t have and that’s why he couldn’t get him off of his mind. There couldn’t be anything more to it than that…

Right?

Kenny Fucking McCormick doesn’t fall in love, everyone knew that.

It was a late Friday afternoon, after a long month of consistently trying to talk himself into not being into Stan Marsh, that he received the news he hadn’t realized he had been dreading.

It had been a particularly long week and all Kenny wanted was to get just a few hours of sleep. Kenny shuffled through his room, dropped his tattered backpack to the floor and collapsed onto his lumpy bed, but before the sweet bliss of sleep could overtake him, his phone lit up.

Kenny was instantly filled with warm giddiness when he saw it was a text from Stan but the joyful moment vanished when his eyes glossed over what the simple message read;

“I’m telling Kyle tonight.”

Kenny’s entire body went numb as a dark storm cloud formed around him. He knew this message was coming eventually but no amount of forewarning could have prepared him for how hard a blow it felt to his system. 

He thought about ignoring the text, pretending he didn’t see it but despite his resistance, his fingers went into autopilot mode and forced him to reply;

“Yeah?”

“Wish me luck, dude.”

That was the last thing Kenny wanted to do. He controlled his sudden urge to throw his phone against the wall and instead half heartedly typed out a response;

“Go get him, tiger.”

He wanted Stan to be happy. He truly did. But he’d much prefer it if he was the one making Stan happy. The idea of it making Kenny’s mind wandered and he pictured what it would be like if he was the one confessing his feelings to Stan tonight. Just for a brief moment, he allowed himself the euphoria of imagining Stan actually wanting him back.

His imagination ran wild as he thought about the two of them doing all the sickeningly adorable relationship stuff he always made fun of others couples for doing. Like holding hands in the hallway, ditching class to make out under the gym bleachers, staying out all night just to watch the sunrise from Stark’s Pond, just being how they always were but knowing they were so much more.

Kenny rapidly shook his head as if he could forcibly push away those lingering daydreams.

_“It’s just a crush. It doesn’t mean anything.”_

He had said it over and over again in his head for a month and yet even he was starting to sense how contrived it truly sounded. But even if he did honestly want those things with Stan, it didn’t matter. Stan loved Kyle and Kenny could only assumed Kyle loved Stan back. Who wouldn’t love Stan?

A heavy sensation developed in Kenny’s chest that was a scary mix of crushing sadness and overwhelming jealousy. Still tightly gripping the phone in his hands, Kenny realized there was no way he would be able to sleep like he had planned, not with the image of the two of them and their inevitable happy ending burning into his brain.

Kenny needed a distraction and he needed one fast.

He pulled up his Grindr app and started swiping as quickly as his fingers would allow. He didn’t care who they were, what they were into, what they looked like, or even what their name was. Kenny just needed a warm body to take his frustrations out on in the most pleasurable way he could think of.

He was going to forget about Stan.

He had too.

***

Two hours later Kenny found himself in a cramped studio apartment being rented by some skinny college aged boy that had been far too quick to accept Kenny’s blunt and uninspired offer of “a good night.”

There wasn’t anything particularly special about his match selection as far as he could tell. Kenny didn’t know what his interests were, or what made him come to live in South Park, hell Kenny couldn’t even remember his name. It didn’t matter. The true selling point was the guy had his own place and Kenny planned on staying as long as it took to get Stan off of his mind, even if it took all weekend.

Kenny’s jealousy and unrequited frustrations came out in a wild sexual energy. He had barely been in in the guy’s apartment for 5 minutes but Kenny already had him pinned against the wall and was overtaking him with a hungry kiss. His hands and mouth exploring his date in a way that was much more aggressive than he normally handled these situations, but he didn’t care.

What he did care about was how many comments the excitable boy made as Kenny took off his jacket and started pushing him towards the bed in the corner of the tiny apartment. The guy was a chit chatter, and Kenny was in no mood for it.

Kenny’s hands drifted under the chatter box’s shirt and let his fingers play along his tightly toned body before finally tearing it off of him and shoving him onto the bed.

“You’re a fucking animal.” His date giggled as he fell back.

Kenny crawled on top of him, avoiding eye contact as he brought his lips down to his exposed neck. Running his tongue slowly up to his ear before finally whispering;

“Stop talking.”

He complied to Kenny’s great relief and he used the opportunity of silence to start taking off his own shirt. He was rushing things but it didn’t matter to him nor his Grindr match apparently. He was only looking for a distraction and this was about as good of a distraction as he could think of.

The memory of how he ended up here was fuzzy. Blinded by jealousy, Kenny had been practically on auto pilot mode until this very moment. He had been desperate to clear his mind before reality could sink in. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he was reminded that at this point Stan had to already be with Kyle, spilling his soul to him in the adorably nervous way only Stan could make appealing. And if things went right for him, which he could only assume they would, the two of them were probably already…

_No No NO_

Kenny’s mouth found the dark haired boy’s immediately and drank him in like he was dying of thirst. He didn’t want to think about it, he couldn’t think about it.

He broke away from the kiss and pulled back long enough to finally get a good look at the guy beneath him. His hair wasn’t as dark as Stan’s but it was close, and he had brown eyes instead of Stan’s deep blue ones. Kenny stifled a groan.

In retrospect he realized he should have gone for a girl that night. Someone as opposite as he could get from the person he couldn’t stop thinking about. But it was too late for that now and he would have to deal. Besides, it was only for tonight.

Kenny was ignoring the boy’s moans of desire as he reached down and started to undo his belt. It was in the middle of that action that Kenny felt his phone buzzing in his back pocket. He disregarded it. There was no one in the world he wanted to talk to at the moment. But the second buzz that came at a rapid fire pace after the first one was harder to ignore.

He pulled the annoying device from his jean’s pocket with the plan of turning it off and tossing it to the side until the morning. That plan changed when he saw who the texts were from…

It was as if Kenny’s vision had completely fogged over, making everything around him appear cloudy and unfocused. Everything, that is, except for the two back to back text messages that blinked brightly across his phone screen. Both of those texts were from Stan;

“Can you come over?”  
“I need you.”

Kenny’s entire body froze as he read and reread the texts over and over again. His brain kicked in with questions at a record breaking pace. Why was he texting him? Where was Kyle? What happened? He couldn’t begin to guess any of those things, he only knew one thing for certain, Stan needed him.

Kenny could barely hear the whiny voice coming from beneath him asking why he stopped. He was too busy texting Stan back to worry about anything else happening in the world surrounding him.

"Are you okay?"

His response came far too quickly;

"No."

“I’m on my way.”

Without a millisecond of hesitation Kenny hopped off the bed and speedily got dressed. Giving no explanation for this dramatic change, Kenny was already at the door and fully prepared to leave when his now ex-date called out to him, the annoyance thick in his shrill voice.

“Where the hell are you going?”

Kenny stopped and racked his brain trying to bring this date’s name to the forefront of his mind but he came back blank. It was bad enough he was leaving already, he didn’t want to completely insult the guy, so he settled on the safety of a pet name instead;

“Sorry, baby. Something came up.”

“Are you coming back?”

“Probably not.”

“Wow you’re an asshole.” The boy tried to sound tough but his voice cracked in apparent disappointment.

Kenny knew he should have said more, been a little kinder, but his protective instincts for Stan were in full control of his senses and he instead rushed out the door without another word and sprinted as fast as his feet would take him to the Marsh’s house.

***

The apartment had been halfway across town so Kenny ran the entire length of the way, his frantic thoughts keeping the adrenaline going long enough for him to reach his final destination before his legs could fully realize they were working so hard.

He didn’t even notice how out of breath he was until he found himself in front of the Marsh’s home and felt a sharp pain shoot through his lungs, punishing him for not allowing them enough oxygen in the 30 or so minutes it took to get there.

He was just finally normalizing his breathing when Stan’s Mom opened the door. Kenny tried to give her a friendly smile but it looked and felt more like a grimace;

"Hey Mrs. Marsh... Is...uh... Is Stan home?"

Sharon nodded, "Yes and I'm glad you're here. He seems really upset."

"Fuck.” Kenny felt heat rise to his face for letting the profanity slip, “Oh sorry I mean, shit... Uh…You look great Sharon, have you lost weight?"

Ever amused by Kenny’s antics Sharon hid a smirk and rolled her eyes, "Just go on up."

As he tentatively climbed the stairs to the familiar bedroom Kenny was struck with an onset of nerves. When his instincts kicked in he only had one thing on his mind and that was to get here as quickly as possible. Now that he had arrived, it dawned on him that he had absolutely no idea what he was going to say.

Kenny stood outside Stan’s closed, seemingly uninviting, door for a long minute. When he finally raised his fist to knock he paused. Something about it didn’t feel right so instead Kenny took a deep breath and timidly opened the door.

Kenny’s eyes fell upon Stan’s shattered form leaning against his bed. One arm was resting on his knees while the other was gripping the beanie cap that was covering his eyes. Kenny’s heart broke seeing how destroyed he looked. Without giving himself time to think through his words or actions, he felt himself being pulled forward and kneeled down in front of Stan.

"Hey." Kenny spoke softly.

Stan slowly glanced up and pulled the hat further up his forehead revealing his bloodshot eyes, still wet from fallen tears. Stan shook his head once before dropping it to his knees.

Kenny allowed him a moment before he spoke again, ”What happened?"

"I told Kyle. It was a fucking disaster, dude.” Stan kept his head down making his voice sound muffled, “It really freaked him out. You were right, he had no idea."

"Fuck. Stan… Oh fuck. I’m so sorry."

Kenny felt sick and devastated for his broken friend. Part of him knew he should be rejoicing about this turn of events but it hurt too much to see Stan this way.

Kenny wanted to take it all back. The times he hoped things wouldn't work out between him and Kyle, the fantasies that he played out in his mind when he was alone in his room, the hope that one day Stan might feel something for him…All of it. If it meant that Stan could be happy again and not look so heartbroken. He would give anything if it meant Stan’s happiness.

“I don’t know what to say, Stan. I’m just so fucking sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have told him. I should have just kept it to myself.”

“I don’t think you could have predicted he would have reacted like that.”

Stan finally sniffed and looked up at Kenny. His eyes wandering over his face before he raised his head back up and leaned it against his bed.

“This sucks so much, dude.”

Stan pulled his beanie cap from his head and tossed it behind him, rustling his fingers through his hair which made a small flutter go through Kenny’s chest.

“Thanks for coming over. I hope I didn’t ruin any big plans you had or anything.”

“No.” Kenny shook his head quickly.

“It’s Friday night. I’m sure you had some sort of thing going on.”

“Nothing that would have kept me from being here for you.”

Kenny stopped breathing for a second for fear that it was too revealing of a statement but calmed down immediately when Stan smiled affectionately at him.

“You’re such a good friend. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve Kyle either. No wonder he shot me down.”

Stan’s temporarily relaxed face promptly fell and the deep sadness returned to his eyes.

“Stop. That’s not true at all.”

“Of course it is,” Stan whined. “It’s me. I’m such a fuck up. I know it. Why would I have thought he would want me? I’m so fucking stupid.”

An impulse shot through Kenny as he pushed himself closer to Stan and enclosed his hands around Stan’s warm face, forcing him to have to look him right in the eye.

"It's not you. Believe me. I may be an idiot but if there's one thing I know it’s that you’re amazing, Stan. You’re sweet, and funny, and passionate, and the whole God damn room lights up when you’re in it.”

Kenny paused and took a small shaky breath. He should stop, he had already said far too much and it occurred to him how close their faces were together, a little too close, but he didn’t care. Stan needed to hear this.

“If Kyle doesn’t like you back it has absolutely nothing to do with you. We can't help how we feel. It's not really our choice if we don't have feelings for someone... Or the people we do have feelings for...The heart wants what it wants and all that gay shit."

Stan’s serious face melted as an unexpected laugh burst from him. Stan’s infectious laughter that Kenny couldn’t get enough of.

He knew he should let go of his face. That he needed to take a step back into a comfortable distance away from him, but he couldn’t move. And the way Stan was looking at him, it didn’t seem like he wanted him to move either.

Kenny took a brief moment and looked over Stan’s features. He had never seen that look in Stan’s eyes before. Almost as if a small fire of curious temptation had been lit behind his deep blue irises. Kenny’s gaze dropped from Stan’s earnest stare and drifted down to his lips which looked red and raw from him nervously chewing at them earlier. But despite their appearance, Kenny was drawn to them.

A voice in the back of his head screamed at him to stop as he felt himself lean forward towards his inviting mouth. He knew it was a bad idea and the timing was less than ideal but he couldn't fight the temptation. The force so strong it felt like a magnetic pull drawing him in.

Stan didn’t make any attempt to pull away as Kenny’s face leaned closer to his. So with nothing to hold him back, he closed his eyes as his lips landed gently on Stan’s. It was timid, shy, and so unlike any kiss Kenny had ever given but it felt like the best kiss he had ever had even with it’s quiet conservative nature.

Kenny remained there for the briefest of moments before he let go of Stan’s face and started to pull back. Before he had even a second to regret his impulsive move, or make some sort of an excuse for it, he was rendered silent by Stan’s strong hand as he grabbed him by the back of the neck to pull him back in.

This time the kiss was no longer tender as their lips crashed into each other. It felt like a fiery explosion as it quickly turned into something much more passionate and full of hunger. Teeth collided, their tongues fought for dominance, it was messy and chaotic and Kenny craved more of Stan’s mouth with every passing second. The subtle taste of whiskey was on Stan’s tongue just as Kenny’s tasted of cigarettes and bad decisions. It was thrilling and dangerous and Kenny wanted more.

Stan’s hands fell to Kenny’s jacket and pulled him closer until he was practically in his lap while Kenny’s fingers drifted through Stan’s hair pulling soft moans from him that vibrated into Kenny’s mouth. The sensation of it shooting through his entire body in the most satisfying way.

Stan pulled at the zipper of Kenny’s jacket and he obliged by ripping it from his body, his mouth not leaving Stan’s for a second during the process. Stan’s warm hands found their way under Kenny’s shirt just as a soft knock from Stan’s door shattered the moment.

Stan and Kenny pulled apart so quickly it was as if they had been burned by some unseen force. Their wide eyes landing on the door fearing they had been caught.

“Boys?” Sharon’s voice appeared on the other side of the thankfully closed door, “We’re going to grab some dinner. Did you two want to join?”

Kenny held his breath as he looked over at Stan’s pale face.

“No thanks, Mom.” He sounded breathless and hoarse and Kenny hoped to God his mother didn’t notice.

“Want us to bring you back something?”

Stan’s panicked expression landed on Kenny as if he didn’t have an answer to such a simple question. Kenny raised his eyebrows at Stan before he responded for him;

“No thanks, Mrs. Marsh. We’re good.”

“Ok. See you boys later.”

Stan and Kenny sat still as statues, their eyes locked in on one another as they waited for the footsteps to disappear and the clicking and locking sound of the front door before they finally breathed. His heart beating in his ears and fearing he had just made the biggest mistake of his life, Kenny jumped in to speak before Stan had a chance to;

“Shit Stan. I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.”

"No it's alright.” Stan’s eyes dropped as a subtle blush started creeping up into his cheeks, “It's more than alright actually.”

Kenny swore he couldn’t have heard that right. He tried to rationalize what he meant but when the silence went on just a little too long he finally opened his mouth to speak;

"Really?"

"Yeah…” Stan finally looked back up at him. “It's not like I haven't thought about it before..."

"You have?" Kenny felt the air sucked from his lungs, his heart drumming in his chest.

Stan lifted an eyebrow at him as if it were common knowledge, "Fucking duh dude. I think every straight girl and gay guy in the entire town has thought about you at least once."

Kenny was speechless. Stan had thought about him in a context that was more than just friendly. It was almost too good to be true. Kenny didn’t want to allow himself the eager lightheaded feeling that was threatening to take over but it was impossible to stop it. Especially when his momentarily hazy vision cleared and he saw a flirty smile growing on Stan’s face. The embarrassed, guilty look long gone and replaced with unmistakable temptation.

Kenny felt a deep yearning pulling at him as Stan moved back closer to him. And he couldn’t stop the throaty moan as Stan’s hand landed on his upper thigh, his thumb slowly caressing along the fabric of his jeans.

He wanted Stan. He wanted him more than he had ever wanted anything in his entire life. And he didn’t think he could fight it anymore.

Knowing that, Kenny shocked himself when Stan leaned back in to kiss him again and instead of eagerly meeting him half way, he instead put a gentle hand on his chest to stop him.

“Stan… We shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

_“Yeah, Kenny. Why the fuck not?”_ His thoughts snapped at him.

This wasn’t like him, he never stopped someone from coming onto him. And Stan of all people? This was something he had fantasized about for over a month. What was he doing? But despite these factual inner thoughts, the words that came from his mouth said otherwise;

“You’re not thinking clearly… You’ve been drinking.”

“Barely.”

“Dude I can… I can taste it on you.” Kenny swallowed down the want that rose within him, trying not to think about how badly he wanted to taste him again. 

“I just had a couple of quick shots before I met up with Kyle. I’m not drunk, Kenny. I swear.”

He knew what this was, Stan was rebounding and rebounding hard. This was usually a moment when Kenny thrived, on someone else’s animalistic energy coming out and needing someone to take their frustrations out on. But this felt different, every part of his body screamed to jump at this once in lifetime opportunity with Stan that he had been craving but something was stopping him. Some part of him didn’t want this, at least not like this.

“You’re just upset about, Kyle. This isn’t going to fix anything.”

“Do you not want to?” Stan tilted his head at Kenny, looking deeply at his face for the truth.

“That’s the problem. I want this more than you know.”

Stan grinned at his confession and it caused a flurry of butterflies to burst throughout Kenny. As Stan began to move in closer, Kenny tried to lean back away from him but the familiar sent of faded whiskey and cheap cologne over took his senses as Stan’s blue eyes pulled him in. He knew he couldn't resist and he wouldn't be able to say no even if he wanted to.

Stan stopped a mere inch away from Kenny’s lips, daring him to be the one to close the distance. Being this close, any and all logic or responsibility Kenny had left disappeared as he breathed him in.

Kenny’s mouth fell back on his and a surge of tingling excitement rushed through him as he opened his mouth to welcome his tongue. The taste and the sensation of it all overwhelming his senses and making him feel like they were the only two people left in the world.

It wasn’t long before they picked up exactly where they had left off and Stan’s hands found their way back underneath Kenny’s shirt. His calloused fingers from years of playing guitar feeling like magic running along his bare skin. He wanted those hands to touch every inch of his body.

Kenny broke away just long enough to stand up and remove him shirt. Stan’s hungry eyes traced over his naked chest as he also stood up. But his look of pure lust vanished almost immediately when his gaze fell upon a particularly harsh looking scar just below his collar bone. In a mix of shock and awe, Stan slowly reached over and ran his finger along the length of it.

“Jesus, Kenny.”

Feeling overly subconscious about the imperfection on his body caused by his messed up life, Kenny reach over and covered Stan’s hand with his own in an attempt to hide it.

“It’s nothing.”

“What the fuck happened?”

“Some guy came at me with a knife. Don’t worry about it.”

Stan’s eyes searched his own, looking for an explanation, when he received none he instead pried Kenny’s hand away and gently brushed his lips against the scar. The simple gesture of acceptance without needing any justification pulling at Kenny’s heart.

_“I’m not good enough for you, Stan. But I’d give anything if I could be.”_

Kenny wrapped his hands around Stan’s face and pulled him back up to eye level. His light blue eyes taking in his features for just a moment before his desperate need to feel his lips on his took over and his mouth landed on his once again.

Before the kiss could intensify, Stan pulled away to sit on the bed. He inched himself back towards his headboard and quickly pulled off his own shirt before looking expectantly over at Kenny who had stood frozen watching his movements.

Knowing what he wanted, Kenny slowly crawled along the length of the bed until he was hovering over Stan. The two locking eyes, an excited anxiousness mixed with hormonal need pulsing through their gaze.

“This is kinda escalating quickly.” Kenny finally spoke. “Are you sure about this, Stan?”

“Yeah I am.”

“Absolutely sure?”

“Yes, absolutely sure.” Stan tilted his head and examined his face, “Are you?”

Kenny paused because it was a complicated answer to give. He wanted this so badly, wanted _Stan_ so badly, but it still didn’t feel right. Burning questions continued to pester him. Was he taking advantage of him in a moment of weakness? Would this ruin everything they had? Why was he overthinking this so much?

_“Just do this and you'll get him out of your system."_ Kenny thought to himself, _"You just want what you can't have and now here’s your opportunity to change that. You'll forget all about this stupid crush as soon as this is over. And Stan needs this to feel better about Kyle rejecting him. It’s a win, win for both of you.”_

“I don’t know.” Kenny finally admitted.

Stan propped himself up on his elbows, bringing their faces closer together. “What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

“God no, Stan.” Kenny looked at him and swallowed hard. “It’s not that at all.”

It was only a few seconds but it felt like an eternity as Kenny gazed as Stan. His bare chest, the way his thick hair was tousled in all different directions, his flushed cheeks from their activities, how he subtle chewed on his lower lip, taking him all in was breath taking. Kenny had done this many times, but it had never felt like this before. Something about this particular moment was so different.

It quickly dawned on Kenny that he didn't want to be Stan’s rebound. He didn't want to be his quick fix to get over Kyle. He didn’t want this to just be a moment of spontaneous passion between two friends. He wanted this to actually mean something for the both of them, because it meant something so much more to him.

Up until this moment he had been so afraid of these feelings. That this wasn't just a little crush or a passing infatuation. He had pushed the thoughts away, tried to ignore it, but hovering over him in this moment, tasting him, willing to stop all of it for fear he might be taking advantage of him, it was impossible to deny it any longer;

Kenny McCormick was madly, deeply, impossibly in love with Stan Marsh.

For a fleeting second it was the most freeing feeling in the world, an astounding relief that he could finally admit it to himself. The only thing dampening his mood was the cold hard fact that he still knew that he didn’t deserve Stan, not really. 

So in truth he couldn’t keep him, but maybe he could be his just for this moment. Just for tonight.

When Kenny’s thoughts finally cleared and he finally came back into reality he noticed that Stan was blushing slightly as he watched him carefully. His mouth opening timidly to finally break the silence;

“What is it?”

"Nothing.” Kenny responded quickly. “It's just... Nothing."

"I can see why you win everyone over."

"What do you mean?"

"If that's how you look at people when you're with them... It's uh, I don't know... Makes me feel like I'm something special or whatever."

_“You are special, Stan"_ Kenny thought to himself. _"You have no fucking idea how special."_

Stan must have taken Kenny's silence for awkwardness because the crimson color already on his cheeks deepened and he looked away.

"I'm sorry, I'm talking too much. I'm making it weird."

Still overwhelmed with all the feelings he had pushed down for so long, Kenny couldn’t help but grin at the bashful looking teen.

“You look so fucking cute when you blush.”

Stan’s gaze found Kenny’s again and matched his enthusiastic grin with one of his own. Kenny pressed his forehead against Stan’s briefly before going back in for another kiss. He couldn’t get enough of Stan’s mouth and he was going to take advantage of it while he could.

He suddenly wanted to tell Stan how he felt but knew it would just be a waste so instead he put everything he could into the kiss and he planned on putting everything he could into this evening together. Maybe Stan would be able to figure it out by the way he looked at him, or how he touched him, if he only got one shot at this he was going to make it the best damn experience he could.

Stan’s fingers slipped through Kenny’s belt loops and he pulled him closer, their bare chests only just touching. Kenny’s fingers traced along the length of Stan’s arm until they found their way to his open palm and interlocked their fingers together. He then gently pulled his hand along until it rested on the pillow just above his head.

Stan gave Kenny a secretly seductive glance as he started to move his hips slowly, grinding himself against Kenny’s groin which made a shiver run down his spine.

"Fuck, Stan"

He looked sexy and smug knowing he could make Kenny feel like that and it was driving him crazy in the best way possible.

_Two can play at that game._

Kenny pushed himself down further and matched Stan's rhythm but intensified it causing Stan to close his eyes in growing pleasure. His fingers tightening their grip in his hand.

Kenny smirked feeling victorious at the reaction. But it wasn’t enough, he wanted Stan to feel as much pleasure as he could handle so, while maintaining his painfully slow hip motions, he brought his mouth to Stan's neck, leaving rough kisses and softening them with a lick of his tongue. The sound of Stan's moans and whimpers sounding like the most beautiful music to Kenny's ears.

Kenny stole a glance at him, noticing how heavy his breathing was already getting he slowed his pace to a halt. Not wanting it all to end too quickly before it even really began. Stan’s eyes shot open and he looked at him questioningly but Kenny reassured him everything was fine by running his free hand through Stan’s hair and landing his lips on his in time to catch the sigh that escaped his mouth.

Stan broke from their kiss in order to look up at Kenny. The subtle smile and the fire in his eyes taking Kenny’s breath away. The two continued to just watch each other for a long moment and Kenny couldn’t stop his heart as it began to pound in his chest, reacting to the way Stan was looking at him.

Almost as if these crazy feelings were mutual.

Kenny didn’t want to let himself believe it but there was something in Stan’s eyes that he couldn’t deny. Something that he hadn’t noticed before. Something that went beyond temporary attraction or basic sexual need.

Not able to fight the impulse, Kenny traced his thumb down Stan’s jawline. The spark in his eyes only growing even as they fluttered shut at his touch.

Maybe it wasn’t such a crazy notion that he could like him back but Kenny wouldn’t give in and surrender himself to that wish, at least not completely.

Stan’s hand slipped from Kenny’s to his disappointment but he had a quick change in mindset when Stan’s hands found their way to his waist, his fingers grazing across the part of Kenny that was already hard and ready for him, the touch causing him to release a quiet gasp.

Stan reached for Kenny's belt and undid the loops but when he went for the button on his jeans, he hesitated, looking unsure. Kenny was watching him so closely it was impossible to miss they way he faltered.

"You okay?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah."

Kenny reached his fingers under Stan's chin and brought his eyes up to meet his own.

“We don’t have to do this, Stan. We can stop right now. I’m only going to do this if you're 100% certain that you want too.”

Stan's nervous but warm smile made butterflies dance in Kenny's stomach. He tucked his thumbs comfortably into Kenny’s jeans, the feel of his fingers on bare skin, so close to such a sensitive area made it difficult to concentrate on his words but he made sure to do so anyways.

"I really want this. You have no idea how bad I want this." Stan's eyes flickered away from his, "I guess I should just warn you that I've never done it before. So take it easy on me and don't judge, I guess? I'm not totally sure what I'm doing here."

The confession felt like the impact of a speeding truck hitting a concrete wall and Kenny couldn't hide the shock on his features.

"Wait... You're a virgin?"

"Well not technically. Wendy and I did it back in sophomore year... It was kinda how I figured out I wasn't into girls... But I've never done it with another guy before."

Kenny suddenly jumped up and away from Stan as if he had been caught doing something horribly wrong. He leaned back on his knees on the other side of the bed, his hand brushing through his blonde locks in agitated strokes.

"Stan... What the fuck... We can't... I can't..."

"What's the big deal?"

"Dude, it's a huge deal."

“Seriously Kenny? You do this kind of stuff all the time. I thought you of all people wouldn’t get weird on me about it.”

“Yeah but this is different…”

“How?”

_“They aren’t you.”_ Kenny was grateful those thoughts caught in his throat before he accidentally said them out loud.

“It’s different because this would be your first time… That’s suppose to be with someone special, isn’t it?”

Kenny swallowed hard as Stan sat up and eased himself closer to him reaching over to grab the back of his neck, holding him in place. His tender touch sent shivers down his entire body making him question his sudden change of heart.

"Don't get all chivalrous on me now. I don't need that. Come on, Kenny. You're one of my best friends. This feels really right, right now. If I have to have a first time I rather it be with you than anyone else."

Kenny wanted it so bad. Eyes still locked in on Stan’s face, being this close to him and seeing the want also in his eyes made every part of him react, so why couldn't he do it? What was stopping him?

No, he couldn't do that to him. 

This wasn’t just sex anymore, this was something much bigger and Stan deserved better. Kenny was bad news, everyone knew it. Wherever he went trouble followed him and it was only a matter of time before Stan's childhood nostalgia goggles broke and he saw him for what he truly was…

Worthless, broken, hopeless. He wasn't good enough for Stan, no one was, but especially not him and he refused to be the one to share in something with him that he deserved to have perfect. With someone perfect. Someone that wasn't him.

"I don't think we should.” Kenny finally choked out though it hurt from somewhere deep within him to say.

For a moment, Stan looked crushed as he pulled his hand from Kenny’s neck. The reaction passing so briefly over his features that Kenny wasn’t even entirely sure the look was ever there in the first place. The possible hurt expression quickly replaced with sudden earnest even as he tried to make it seem casual.

“I get it. I know you and how this usually goes.” Stan bit his lip nervously but never broke their eye contact. “We never have to talk about it again. I promise. It'll just be for tonight."

Hearing Kenny's own words that he had repeated over and over again to his countless one night stands coming from Stan's lips made him freeze and suddenly feel sick to his stomach.

Kenny felt overcome with a sea of emotions. He felt guilty for putting Stan in this position, he felt angry for allowing himself to fall for him, and even though he already knew it was the case, he felt crushed that Stan only saw this as a one time thing. That it meant nothing. Just as all of Kenny’s past partners had meant nothing to him.

He had been an idiot for thinking for even a split second that Stan might like him back. And those foolish thoughts almost caused him to take something so personal from him. In a moment of weakness he could have hurt the person he cared about the most. All because he was too stupid and blinded by his feelings to see what this really was. He felt dirty and wrong and the pain building in his chest was becoming unbearable.

He needed to get out of there.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I have to go."

Kenny jumped immediately to his feet and got dressed as quickly as he could despite Stan’s desperate protests.

“Dude. No. You don’t have to leave! Dude, stop.”

Kenny hurried to the door but stopped short hearing Stan’s voice from behind him.

“Kenny.” His soft voice sounding like a plea. “Please don’t go.”

He froze in place, part of him wanting nothing more than to turn back around and jump back into bed with Stan even if all they did was lay there all night. The other half of him told him it was time to go, he had already pushed his luck too far.

Without turning around to even say goodbye, knowing if he looked at him he wouldn’t be able to leave, he rushed out the door and out of the Marsh’s home before anything could change his mind.

Stan Marsh might have stolen his heart, but he refused to take anything so precious away from him.

***

Kenny aimlessly walked the darkened streets of his quiet mountain town for an hour before he finally allowed himself to stop and think.

The air was so chilled that Kenny's short breaths were visible in the darkened streets. He gazed up into the sky as the first few flakes of snowfall began their decent upon him.

He wanted to go back. He wanted to hold Stan in his arms again. He craved the feel of his tongue in his mouth. He was dying to feel the excitement and warmth that coursed through him seeing the way Stan looked at him. Almost as if he felt something for him…

_No._

_“It wasn’t real.”_ Kenny harshly reminded himself, _“He was rebounding and looking for a way to forget about Kyle. He doesn’t want you like that Kenny. You would have gotten hurt and in return you would have hurt him. And the last thing in the world you want to do is hurt him.”_

The sharp pain in his chest kept growing which was the only thing reminding him he was alive because the rest of him felt numb.

With shaky fingers he dug around his coat pocket for his pack of cigarettes but couldn’t find them. It was the back of his jeans pockets he located them, the same pocket as his cellphone.

He had no choice and had to pull them both out in order to get to his smokes. He tried to avoid it, but he caught a glimpse of his phone screen and saw that he had 12 texts from Stan, 6 missed calls, and one voicemail.

Kenny stood frozen in place. He didn’t want to hear that voicemail. He couldn’t bare to hear Stan’s voice or know what he had to say. But his body betrayed him and he felt himself robotically press the voicemail and bring his cell to his ear. Stan’s unsure voice piercing his ears;

"I'm so sorry Kenny. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward situation. I should have gotten the hint that you didn’t want… Uhg this is embarrassing… Please come back, we can just hang out. I promise I won’t try anything this time… I just want to see you again…I hope you come back.”

Kenny’s already broken heart shattered and it caused more intense pain in his chest.

Poor, sweet Stan didn’t understand. He didn’t get why he had to leave. If he knew the real reason then he wouldn’t want him to come back. With a sick feeling in his stomach he realized he should just tell him the truth. With trembling fingers, Kenny started typing out a text to Stan;

"I should have told you this a lot sooner... But I think I might be in love..."

Kenny stropped abruptly and reread the message three times before rushing to delete the whole thing.

_“What good would it do?”_ Kenny thought, _“Stan told Kyle how he felt and look what happened. It could only be worse for me.”_

Stan didn’t need to know. Kenny would just have to find some sort of excuse as an explanation to why he left so hastily. Stan would forgive him. Stan always forgave him.

_“I don’t deserve him.”_

Kenny bit down hard on his tongue trying to distract from the stinging sensation that was forming in his eyes.

Kenny Fucking McCormick doesn't cry, everyone knows that.

Kenny repeated this to himself over and over again even as the hot, angry tears spilled down his cheeks and landed on the freshly fallen snow.

He only allowed himself this moment of weakness for thirty seconds. As soon as that timeframe was over, he quickly wiped at his face and reached for his phone. He needed a big distraction, something that would make him forget all these ridiculous emotions he had developed. Through his blurry vision he found the number of the Grindr match he had ditched a few hours ago;

"You still up? My night just opened up for good. I promise no more distractions."

Kenny clutched the phone in his hands as if it were a lifeline and stared at the screen until his response came through;

"Sure. Come back over."

Kenny wanted to grin, he wanted to feel satisfied with his decision, but he felt nothing at all as he typed out his response;

"Alright. And don't forget, no feelings, no strings attached... This is only for tonight."


	4. Chapter 4

Kenny felt numb.

From the very moment his finger pressed “send” on that text message, it felt like all the life was sucked from his body. All the joy, the sadness, every bit of emotion torn from him in an instant.

Kenny wanted to welcome the sensation, to enjoy this temporary break from the devastating feelings that were making him feel like he was going to throw up, rip his hair out, and scream to the universe all at the same time. But the truth was, he hated this feeling of emptiness.

Kenny tried everything he could to bring some sort of emotion back during his walk to the Grindr guy’s apartment, but despite all his attempts… He still felt nothing.

He didn’t think there could be anything worse than this dark, cold, empty sensation that had engulfed him. And he firmly believed it, that was until his Grindr match greeted him at the door and pulled Kenny into a rough kiss.

When he felt the guy’s tongue in his mouth he became instantly aware that he tasted like toothpaste and insecurities and Kenny hated him for it. Hated so much that he didn't taste like Stan, and he hated even more that he wasn't Stan.

Feelings of anguish and anger crashed down on Kenny like a storm and he desperately tried to swim to the surface. He begged and pleaded with himself to return to that state of numbness that he so desperately wanted to be rid of moments earlier. The new feelings plagued his heart and his mind with all the things he wished he had done differently.

He regretted leaving Stan so suddenly. He regretted not going back. He regretted not telling him the truth. Stan had asked him to stay and even after he left he practically pleaded with him to come back and yet Kenny couldn’t even return a text.

A fear began to rise within him as the reality set in that Stan very likely hated him now. As much as he dreaded the very idea of it, he knew he couldn’t blame him if he did. At this point, Kenny hated himself.

Kenny went through all the motions and could tell that the guy was having a good time but Kenny didn’t even truly feel like he was there. The whole thing felt like a strange blur with only bits and pieces that awakened him and reminded him of what was happening, but none of it was pleasant.

And among all other things… All he could think about was Stan.

After he was finished with him, Kenny felt physically and mentally filthy so he asked to use his shower. He stumbled in and shut the door behind him hoping that he would get the hint that he wanted to shower alone.

Kenny actively avoided catching his reflection in the mirror as he turned the water temperature as high as it would go and stepped in. He clenched his teeth and fought through the stinging sensation beating down on his skin, hoping that the heat and steam would burn away all the feelings he had jumbling up inside of him. 

When Kenny finally stepped out of the bathroom, the guy was ready and waiting for him again so Kenny halfheartedly obliged. The shower didn’t help him forget so maybe a second round would help.

It didn’t. Nothing helped.

Kenny didn't go home that night or even the next morning. Not ready to face reality just yet, he stayed the entire weekend and only made his way home late Sunday night.

The texts and calls had built up the entire weekend but Kenny didn't notice. He had shut his phone off the moment he had arrived at the apartment and didn’t turn it back on until moments before he entered his house. A decision he would quickly regret.

When he stepped through the front door to his home, he came face to face with a distressed Karen. Her eyes red and raw from hours of crying as she stared at him in awe as if she had seen a ghost step through the doors. When it finally registered with her that he was truly there, a sob escaped her lips as she rushed forward and threw her arms around his neck.

Muffled cries of “Where the hell have you been?” and “I thought you were dead” came from her chapped lips as her tears soaked through his parka.

Kenny’s heart broke into a million pieces when it truly dawned on him what he must have put her through the past few days. He collapsed to the floor still holding her in his arms, a hand stroking her matted hand as he tried to whisper words of comfort that went unheard over her wails of relief and pent up fear. 

Kenny’s self loathing consumed him as he tried to console his sensitive sister. How could he be so selfish? How could he disappear like that for days without telling her? Kenny hated himself even more and he didn’t think that was possible.

Kenny stayed in that position with her for some time as he let her cry and yell at him until she had no more tears left. When that time finally came, Kenny carried the emotionally exhausted girl to bed and tucked her in. Before he could slip out her door, she began to panic thinking he would disappear again if she took her eyes off of him.

Kenny promised her over and over until his throat was sore that he wasn’t going anywhere and he would never abandon her like that ever again but nothing seemed to calm her until he agreed to stay with her until she fell asleep.

Kenny lay on the floor beside her bed listening to the sounds of her quiet sniffs and the subtle thumping of his broken heart until her breathing was deep and slow enough to convince him that she had officially fallen asleep.

It was just after 4:00am when Kenny finally slipped back into the cold darkness of his own room. He was physically and mentally drained but sleep never came for him. Haunted by his actions, he spent the rest of the early hours of the morning staring at his ceiling trying to somehow convince himself that the events that had transpired over the past weekend never happened.

Almost taking advantage of Stan when he was vulnerable, leaving with no explanation, disappearing off the grid for days making his little sister sick with worry, and now returning with no explanation or plans of giving one.

This is who Kenny was.

He was reckless, selfish, a trouble maker, good for nothing, and everyone knew it.

And as that self proclaimed truth sunk in, he realized he had never hated himself more.

***

Monday morning came far too soon and Kenny was anything but prepared to take it on.

His eyes burned from his lack of sleep, his head ached from overthinking every one of his questionable actions, and his heart hurt most of all.

He didn’t want to face Stan that day, he couldn’t. Not after how he last left things. He knew he would have to talk to him eventually but there was no harm in putting it off just one more day. It could wait until he had enough mental stability to come up with a reasonable excuse and could do so convincingly and without looking as crushed as he felt.

He made the definite decision that he would ditch school that day, use the time to get his thoughts together, and figure out a way to erase his feelings for Stan Marsh once and for all.

Just as he had made up his mind, he heard a soft knock on his door. He barely had time to sit up in bed before his unexpected visitor’s small face appeared in the doorway.

“Kenny, you up?”

Kenny brushed his blonde locks from his eyes, hoping it would make him look more alert and cleared his throat before speaking;

“Yeah come on in, Karen.”

His timid little sister stepped in and only made it halfway into his room, “You’re going to be late for the bus.”

“I’m not gonna go to school today.”

Karen furrowed her brow in a painfully worried look, “Why not?”

“I’m sick.”

“You don’t sound sick.”

“Well I am.”

She raised an eyebrow and looked him over. Her scrutinizing gaze making him feel oddly guilty and self conscious.

“Are you hungover?”

Kenny shook his head fervently, “Absolutely not.”

Her growing frown said everything he needed to know, even Karen could tell something was up with him. It was just further confirmation that he couldn’t go to school. If he couldn’t even convince his trusting to a fault little sister that everything was fine, how was he suppose to persuade Stan?

“I’m okay. I just… I can’t go to school today.”

Karen anxiously played with the sleeve of her jacket. Her voice lowered to practically a whisper as she scanned his face for the truth;

“Are you in trouble, Kenny?”

The question forced Kenny from his bed and he rushed to kneel in front of his concerned sister. He took her hands in his and looked her dead in the eye before he spoke with all the assurance he could muster;

“Fuck no. I promise everything is okay.” He sighed when her face didn’t relax like he had hoped, “I kind of had an awkward moment with Stan on Friday. So I’m trying to avoid him today.”

“Did you guys get into a fight?”

“Not exactly.”

“Well then how bad could it be?”

“Pretty bad. Worth not going to school over.”

“That’s stupid. He’s one of your best friends. It can’t be so bad that you have to avoid him. And besides, that would just make it worse.”

Kenny bit the inside of his cheek. He hated that she was probably right. But no matter how much sense it made, he still couldn’t go through with it.

“Just trust me on this one, kiddo. Stan probably doesn’t want to see me today either.”

“That’s not true.” Karen shook her head, “He came by looking for you really late on Friday night.”

Her words sunk into his brain slowly but once they settled they caused Kenny’s head to swim with a million thoughts trying to bust through all at once. He almost forgot to breath as the only word he could manage to get out came through;

“What?”

“Yeah. Mom answered the door because I was in bed but I heard him ask for you.”

It took everything in him not to grab his sister’s shoulders and shake all the information he could out of her.

“What did Mom say?”

“She just said you weren’t home. He asked her a few more questions but I couldn’t really hear what they were. And Mom wasn’t really helpful. She was pretty…Out of it.”

Kenny knew what she meant by “out of it” but neither spoke of the drugs their parents used if it could be avoided. Instead Kenny tensely waited for her to continue;

“He eventually left when he realized he wasn’t going to get much information out of her, but he sounded worried. Why was he worried about you, Kenny?”

“I don’t know.” He said more to himself than his sister. The idea he would have been worried about him never crossed his mind. Angry, yes. Furious even, but worried?

“The bus will be here any second. I don’t want to miss it.”

“Right.” Kenny brought himself back to the moment, “Get going.”

“So you’re still not coming?”

“I won’t be ready in time. Just get going, Karen. If I feel up to it I’ll walk to school.”

Karen sighed and shook her head before wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight hug.

“I love you, Kenny. I don’t know what’s going on but I hope you know that you don’t always have to protect me from everything. I appreciate you being the strong older brother looking out for me and everything else you do. But you can ask for help too. You can talk to me if you ever need to.”

Kenny’s chest seized with a strange mix of pride and shame as he squeezed her tighter, “Thanks, Karen. I love you too.”

She pulled back and gave him a small smile before scurrying off to catch the bus. Kenny watched her go before finally shutting his door and crawling back into bed. He felt proud knowing that she was growing up and maturing but he knew there was still so much he needed to protect her from, that there was still so much her delicate spirit couldn’t handle.

He never wanted Karen to look at him that way again. The very idea that she thought he might be hungover or had gotten himself into trouble pained him. He had always done everything he could to shield her from that side of his life and it was a devastating blow to have her come out and ask. His reckless behavior had gotten out of hand and he needed to figure his shit out. He was suppose to be the strong one, the one that kept Karen safe and happy.

He vowed right then and there that he would never allow Karen to worry for him so severely again, that she would never need to offer her services as a shoulder for him to cry on. He was her big brother and no matter what he was going through he would never let her down again.

That also meant he had to start working on himself. He had gotten himself into a bit of a mess and he knew he would need to dig himself out of this hole before he got too deep. And that started with making amends with Stan.

A dropping sensation in his stomach told him that he still wasn’t brave enough to speak to him face to face so he made the decision that he would call him after school instead. It was cowardly, but it was all he could handle right now so it was better than nothing. 

Despite a weekend’s worth of trying to forget, he knew he was still in love with Stan and speaking with him was going to finally shatter the last remains of his broken heart. Such a blow would be hard to disguise as indifference but Kenny knew if he was going to attempt to fake his emotions, his best chance for success was to do so over the phone. He just needed to figure out what he would say to convince Stan that, although fun, it was ultimately a mistake and that it meant nothing.

Just the thought of saying those lies to him made Kenny’s stomach feel sick so he pulled the thin blanket over his head to shut out the light streaming in from his blindness window.

Almost immedietely the powerful need for sleep started to pull his eye lids shut so he made a deal with himself that he would figure it all out when he woke up.

He just needed an hour. Maybe two. Then he would get his thoughts in order.

***

Far more than a couple hours passed as Kenny blissfully slept the day away. His body clearly needing the extra hours he had lost over the weekend, he didn’t even dream. It was just pure darkness and if he had been aware of it, he would have been grateful.

He was so deep in sleep that he didn’t even stir once until he felt a light tapping on his shoulder. Startled by the unexpected touch he jolted awake and shot up, coming face to face with a startled Karen who’s slack jaw stumbled out her first thoughts;

“Did you sleep all day?”

“What the fuck time is it?”

“It’s 4:00. I just got home from school.”

“It’s 4:00?” Kenny repeated back. His brain was too foggy from being disturbed from such a deep slumber to truly comprehend what she said.

“Yeah. And uh, that’s not the only thing.”

Kenny rubbed at his eyes, “Hmmm?”

“Uh… Stan Marsh is here.”

Kenny’s half lidded eyes flew open and he looked back over at his sister as the beginnings of a racing heart began building in his chest.

“What?”

“Yeah, and he’s asking for you.”

_“Oh fuck. No no no no no.”_

The panic began to spread throughout his system, waking him up faster than a double shot of the strongest espresso ever could. Kenny had spent the day sleeping and didn’t think of what he would say, he wasn’t prepared, he wasn’t ready and this most certainly wasn’t the plan.

Kenny’s eyes fell to the partially open bedroom door and he shrunk against the wall as if the gesture would prevent him from being seen.

“Tell him I’m not home.”

“You know he won’t believe that. You better go talk to him or he’ll just come in here.

Kenny groaned and ran his fingers through his bedhead hair.

“I’d hurry. He seems pissed.” Karen whispered before leaving his side and heading towards the door. Before she was out of earshot Kenny frantically called out to her;

“Just stall him for a few minutes, I need to get cleaned up.

Karen gave him a brief nod before slipping out the door and shutting it behind her. Kenny wasted no time and jumped from his bed and dove towards his closet. He flung random clothing items over his shoulder until he found something clean and warm. As soon as he was dressed he managed to slip unseen through the hallway and into the bathroom to clean himself up.

He splashed cold water on his face, brushed his teeth, attempted to control his mess of blonde hair, and even doubled up on the deodorant for good measure. He wished he had showered but there was no time to dwell on that now. He could only imagine what waited for him on the other side of that door and stalling any longer would only make things worse. He took one final quick glimpse at himself in the bathroom mirror and took a deep, slow breath.

“Don’t be nervous.” He whispered to his reflection, “It’s going to be fine. You’ll figure it out. You always do.”

Kenny pulled the hood of his orange jacket over his head as one last ditch effort to hide as much of his features as he could. He didn’t fully trust how his emotions may appear on his face and hoped that at the very least this would partially conceal the visual feelings that he couldn’t control.

The pep talk had momentarily relaxed him but that calm feeling was quickly forgotten and a chilling dread engulfed him as he turned the corner and saw a fuming Stan standing crossed armed in his front doorway. His normally tender blue eyes locked in on him and he could feel the fury burn through his gaze.

It took every bit of strength and resistance Kenny had in him not to turn around and walk right back into his room and slam the door shut. Karen clearly had the same idea because as soon as she saw that Kenny had arrived she quickly as possible exited the scene, but not before shooting him a look that clearly read;

“What the hell did you do, big bro?”

Kenny opened his mouth to speak but no words came out as Stan’s icy stare consumed him making him feel like vermin. Keeping his eyes locked on Kenny’s, Stan gestured with his head out the door towards the beat up vehicle waiting for them on the street;

“Get in the fucking truck, Kenny.” He said through gritted teeth.

“What are you doing here?”

"We have to talk. Get in the fucking truck."

Kenny hardly ever saw Stan angry and right now he was beyond pissed. He knew it would be best not to argue with him and just go with whatever he said so Kenny unwillingly followed him outside and hopped into the passengers seat of Stan’s well worn truck. He had barely closed the door before Stan spend off.

The two sat in agonizing silence as Stan’s white knuckled grip steered them through the familiar streets of South Park, the passing houses and landmarks looking like a blur as Kenny fought for control over his thoughts and emotions. He willed his tongue to speak but found that it was a useless endeavor before Stan finally snapped;

“You are a selfish asshole, you know that?”

Kenny went to respond but before he could, Stan continued his tangent;

“I get that you're mad at me. I fucking get it. But did you seriously have to completely blow me off? You left my house late and I had no fucking idea where you went. You didn't answer any of my calls or texts so I finally showed up at your house and they said you weren't home.”

“Why would I be mad at you?” Kenny tried to interject but it was as if Stan couldn’t hear him because he spoke on without acknowledging him, the words spilling out of him as fast as his truck sped through the practically empty streets. His intense eyes staying focused on everything just outside the windshield.

“So I left it alone for a bit. Figured you needed to get off some steam. So I tried calling you again on Sunday but you didn't fucking answer. Your phone kept going to voicemail dude and I just.. I just panicked. I went to your house again and they said you still weren’t there, that you hadn't been home since Friday! I almost lost my fucking mind.”

“Stan I…”

“And then you didn't show up at school today?? I thought for sure you were dead somewhere. I ditched class so I could go down to the middle school and find your sister and she told me you got home late last night. Where the fuck were you, Kenny? How fucking selfish are you that you would put us through that?”

Kenny’s throat felt tight and his mouth felt dry but he forced himself to speak;

“I wasn't thinking…”

“That's the understatement of the year!”

Stan finally broke from his stare down with the windshield to shoot a glare over at Kenny. He saw then that it wasn’t just anger in his eyes, there was fear, and pain, and Kenny wanted nothing more than to say whatever he had to to take all of that away, to make him feel happy and stress free once again.

Stan looked back out just in time to take a sharp turn into Stark’s Pond. Kenny gripped the seat fearing the truck would flip as Stan sped around the way and parked along the empty hill looking over the frozen pond. He put the car gear into park with an aggressive shove and turned his full attention over to Kenny.

He couldn’t tell by his aggressive look if he wanted an explanation, an apology, or something else. All Kenny knew was that he had never felt so small in his entire life.

“I don’t know what to say, Stan. I…. I’m sorry. I don’t even have a good reason for what I did… I didn’t mean for any of this.”

Stan looked him over for a moment, his blinkless stare making Kenny feel as if it was holding him in place like a creature turned to stone. When Stan finally dropped his eyes, Kenny exhaled with relief as if the imaginary trance had been broken.

Stan groaned and leaned an elbow up on the steering wheel, he pulled at his red poof ball hat and shook his head. His stance now looking more defeated than furious.

“I just don’t get it, Kenny.” He finally looked back over at him, his anger still present but greatly dissipated. “You’ve done some weird shit before but to go from us… Well…. You know…. To just, up and disappearing for days… What the fuck, dude?”

“I’m an idiot. I’m so fucking stupid.”

Kenny wanted to put his head in his hands, he wanted to get out of that truck and smoke a cigarette, he wanted to do anything except keep looking into Stan’s blue eyes, but he couldn’t turn away. Stan waited in painful silence for him to say more but Kenny couldn’t bring himself to do so. After another minute that felt like an eternity passed, he finally interjected again;

“I felt like such a jackass when you left.” Stan’s eyes dropped from his and the grip on his hat tightened. “I don't know how I read you so wrong. It seemed like you wanted it as much as I did.

“I did.” Kenny unwilling confessed, “I think I wanted it more than you did.”

“Then why did you leave?”

Kenny didn’t know how to explain it. How could he tell him he left because he didn’t want to hurt him without having to confess his true feelings? Kenny’s jaw remained tightly locked for longer than Stan felt comfortable with so he broke the silence again in nervous rambles.

“It was because I hadn’t done it before, right?” Stan huffed, “That’s when you freaked out and left. What, did you think it would be a waste of time because I wouldn’t be good at it? Well, sorry I haven’t had as much sex as you, Kenny!”

“No, Stan. It’s not that at all.” Kenny shook his head so violently that the hood fell from his head, “Ugh I’m so pissed at myself right now.”

“Well that makes two of us.” Stan’s eyes found his again and Kenny lost himself in them.

“I’m so sorry, dude. I’m so fucking sorry. I had no idea you would think this way or be this worried about me. I didn’t think anyone could worry about me that much.”

“You can be so fucking stupid sometimes, Kenny. Of course I was worried about you. Me and the other guys, your sister, we all care about you and love you. Stop doing stupid things. Just fucking stop. Because one of these days something really bad is going to happen to you and I’ll never forgive myself. We need you, Kenny. I need you.”

Kenny was taken back by his words and the heartfelt way he said them. He knew they all cared about him. Somewhere deep within his pessimistic spirit he knew. But it was something else entirely to hear it. Kenny bit down on his tongue to stop the tears he felt making his way to his eyes from falling. He bit down a little harder than needed, angry with himself for getting so emotional once again.

Stan must have seen the change in his demeanor because his voice softened and the adjustment of his tone was more than apparent.

“Where did you go? Where were you all weekend?”

“I don’t want to say.”

Stan hesitated briefly before responding even more softly, “Were you doing drugs?”

“Fuck no.” Kenny finally looked back at Stan, horrified that he would think that. “I haven’t tried anything in years. I’m not like my parents.”

“Then where were you? You were gone all weekend, dude. You sister said she had no idea where you were. She was scared. That’s not like you to worry her like that.”

Kenny’s stomach dropped. He didn’t want to lie to Stan about his whereabouts but he couldn’t help but feel that the truth would only make things worse. Kenny needed a distraction, something that could change the subject and fast. But nothing came to him and the silence stretched on for longer than either felt comfortable with.

Knowing he couldn’t keep quiet forever and knowing that after putting him through hell that he owed his concerned friend the truth despite the outcome, Kenny finally spoke;

“I spent the weekend with some guy I met on Grindr.”

Hurt flashed across Stan’s eyes which caused a sharp pain to plunge itself deep inside Kenny’s chest. He wanted to explain himself, apologize, beg for forgiveness but before he could do any of those things, Stan spoke first;

“Got it. I wasn’t good enough for you. You could have just said that.”

“No!” Kenny spat out, “It’s not that at all.”

“Well it sounds like it.”

Kenny fought against all his logic screaming at him to drop it and instead let his heart do the talking for once;

“You’re too good for me, Stan.” Kenny forced himself to keep his focus on him even though every part of his being wanted to shrivel away, “That’s why I left. I couldn’t do that to you.”

Stan scanned his features before shaking his head and looking back out the windshield,

“I think that’s a lot of bullshit. I told you I wanted it. Things were going fast but it was good… At least I thought so… You didn’t just stop for my benefit. That’s like saying ‘it’s not you it’s me’. I’m not fucking stupid, Kenny.”

“Well then why the fuck do you think I left?”

“I already told you. You freaked out when I said I hadn’t done it before.”

“You wanted me to take your fucking virginity, Stan?” Kenny was exasperated, “Me? Of all fucking people?”

“Why not?”

“Why the fuck would you want that?”

Stan glanced back over at him quickly before his eyes flashed back out the window. Looking almost too intently at the pond, he merely shrugged in response. Kenny watched him long and hard, he couldn’t read him and it was driving him crazy. He couldn’t help but feel Stan was playing some sort of game and Kenny had no idea what the rules were.

“Ok yeah. I freaked out because of the virgin thing. But not for the reasons you think.”

He was relieved when Stan finally looked back over at him, his gaze staying this time instead of trickling back to the window.

“Why then?”

Kenny regretted immediately his bold choice to continue this conversation. Realizing far too late where this was inevitably leading;

“I don't want to talk about this anymore.”

“Tough fucking shit.” He snapped, “Tell me.”

It was quiet, too quiet and Kenny feared Stan could hear how heavy his breathing had gotten or the way his heart was pounding in his chest causing blood to rush in his ears.

_“Just tell him.”_ Kenny’s thoughts whispered soothingly to him. _“He just went through that whole thing with Kyle so he'll at least understand and let you down easy. There’s no way out of this, McCormick. Just tell him.”_

Kenny groaned and leaned back further in his seat. Bringing his palms to his eyes and pressing hard against his lids hoping the pressure would cause his brain to come up with a way out of this. But it was no use, he had to tell him.

“You promise you won't freak out?”

“Why would I freak out? Should I freak out?”

“Dude... Just….Just promise me you won't freak out. Even if you want to... Just don't. Okay?”

Stan succumbed to his growing nerves and began chewing on his lower lip. After an extended moment he finally sighed;

“Okay. I promise.”

Kenny swallowed down his fear and opened his mouth before his body or his mind could stop him;

“I have feelings for you.. I think... I think I might have fallen in love with you.”

And there it was. The cold hard truth out in the open. There was no taking it back now no matter how much he may want to in the seconds that followed. Kenny felt no fear, no nerves, he allowed himself no emotions whatsoever as he sat with bated breath watching the words he confessed sink into Stan's brain.

Stan opened his mouth twice to speak but closed it each time, a flurry of emotions changing on his face faster than Kenny could keep track of.

“Wow. I definitely wasn't expecting that.”

Kenny felt a sting in his heart at the statement. He didn’t know what he had anticipated Stan would say, he hadn’t prepared himself for it but somewhere in the secret part of his soul he had hoped for something better than that. Forcing himself to shrug in false nonchalance he responded as calmly as he could manage. 

“It's fine. I didn’t expect you to feel the same way. I just thought you should know.”

Stan chuckled at his response to Kenny’s pure annoyance. He felt his cheeks burn with fury at his reaction. It was one thing to be casual about such a deeply personal admission, it was an entirely, and outright cruel thing to laugh at him over it.

Kenny reached for the car door handle wanting nothing more than to be out of his presence but before he could escape he felt Stan’s hand on his arm, the gesture stopping him in his tracks.

“Kenny.” His voice sounding almost shy even if it still had a hint of humor in it. “I’ve had a thing for you for practically forever.”

Kenny’s entire body froze, his hand still on the handle, unable to budge or even think clearly.

“What?”

“Yeah, dude. How have you not noticed?”

Kenny was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what to say, how to react, he didn’t even fully believe it. He slowly turned to face the coyly smiling boy, almost waiting for him to laugh at him and tell him he was joking. When he didn’t do that Kenny tried to converse again but forming a full sentence felt strange on his tongue;

“I don’t… What?”

Stan chuckled again and leaned back against the car door so he could fully face Kenny. His body much more relaxed than it had been moments earlier.

“I was always looking for excuses to touch you and talk to you. And how quickly I was willing to have sex with you… How did you not know?”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because you’re Kenny Fucking McCormick. Everyone knows that feelings and relationships aren’t your thing. I never would have thought in a million years you would feel the same way. If I even thought for second I had a shot with you I would have told you in a heartbeat.”

A million questions ran through his head as he took in all this new information and surge of emotions took over his system. His heart wanted to explode and allow all those hopes and feelings he hadn’t dare dream could actually happen to burst through him, but Kenny was still too afraid this wasn’t real. He didn’t deserve something like this to be true. And there was still one major factor standing in his way;

“What about Kyle?”

“We talked over the weekend. We're still best friends but he doesn't want anything more than that. It'll be weird for awhile but it's better than the alternative which was him never speaking to me again. You would know all of this already but you disappeared for three days.”

“Are you okay?”

“Honestly, I was devastated about it on Friday. I thought I’d never get over it. But I was so worried about you all weekend that I honestly didn't really think much about it. Don't get me wrong... I'm still hurt and it'll take some time to get over him…” Stan grinned bashfully at him, grabbing his neck and rubbing at it self consciously. “But your little confession just made the healing process a whole lot better.”

“Cool.” Kenny responded harshly, “Glad I'm good for something.”

“Don't be like that. That's not what I mean.”

“Well then what the fuck _do_ you mean?”

Stan sighed before leaning forward closer to Kenny who, despite his doubtful feelings, suddenly felt overcome by a craving to be physically closer to Stan.

“I like you, Kenny. A lot. A real lot. I’ve had a crush on since we were in middle school but I guess I just kind of ignored it until high school. Part of me always thought it would go away eventually. But after we kissed…” He paused as a subtle blush began to spread across his cheeks. And when he nervously broke eye contact to glance down, Kenny’s heart melted.

“I’ve never felt that way before and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you ever since.”

Kenny wanted nothing more than to fully believe Stan’s words but over the years life had caused him to be distrustful and a glass half empty kind of guy. The idea of being vulnerable in front of someone scared the hell out of him and this was about as vulnerable as Kenny had felt in a long time. He refused to give in to his ever growing hope building inside of him until he was a thousand percent sure.

“You said you could never love anyone the way you love Kyle.”

Stan rolled his eyes which brought them back up to his own making Kenny have to fight against visibly swallowing.

“I was drunk, dude. I'm dramatic and over the top when I'm drunk. And yeah so I love Kyle but those feelings won’t last, especially not now, and that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you. And I do have feelings for you, dude. I have for a while.”

It was almost enough, but not quite yet. He wasn’t sure how many times he needed to hear him say it for him to believe it but Kenny wasn’t ready to surrender just yet. His voice was filled with hopeful suspicion as he entered his last round of questioning;

“So you.... Have feelings for me?”

“Yeah.”

“Like romantic feelings?”

Stan chuckled warmly, “Yes.”

“You sure?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah… I am.”

“Wow, dude.” Stan shook his head but the boyish grin remained on his face. “You really suck at this.”

“Just fucking humor me.” Kenny’s face remained serious as his heart rhythmically thumped in his chest, “Do you really have romantic feelings for me?Unquestionably... Without a doubt... Not joking around... Actual feelings?”

Sensing that Kenny needed this more than he had thought and wanting to make sure he knew he was being genuine, Stan leaned even closer to Kenny and looked him straight in the eye. His warm smile grew as he reached over to brush his fingers along the hood of Kenny’s jacket and traced them down until he was playing with the zipper just below his chin. The motion only making Kenny’s pounding heart grow louder and heavier until he could practically see it through the material of his parka.

“Yes, Kenny.” Stan breathed, “Without a shadow of a doubt, cross my heart and hope to die, swear to you on my Grandfather's grave, that I really truly have romantic feelings for you.”

And there it was. All the denial and questioning disappeared with Stan’s sincere tone and words. Kenny felt as if weeks worth of built up tension and weight flew from his shoulders with something as simple as a breeze. His lungs felt like they had never had so much air in his young life. He felt warm and wonderful and he had no idea what to do with himself as a gleeful laugh erupted from him;

“Holy shit, dude!”

He ran his fingers through his hair with excited nerves, trying to control the burst of joy that was threatening to come through with a force stronger than anything he could imagine.

“I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt like this before.”

Stan laughed along with him and it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard and he wanted it to play on repeat like a favorite song for the rest of eternity. Stan reached over and pulled one of his hands from his hair and interlocked his fingers with his own and Kenny felt his broken heart mend and grow instantaneously. Reaching his free hand over, he grabbed hold of Stan’s cheek and ran a thumb down his parted lips.

He wanted to kiss those lips again, he needed to kiss those lips again, and it was almost too much to handle to know that he could do so at any time without any fear of being stopped. A feeling of relief and more joy swirled around him as the memory of the last night they spent together came tumbling back. 

It did mean something for both of them. It wasn’t just a moment of weakness or temporary attraction like he had feared. Stan Marsh had wanted him, _does_ want him. It made another joyful laugh escape from Kenny’s lips.

“You could have saved us both a lot of fucking trouble if you had just told me this on Friday!”

“Fuck you!” Stan teasingly shoved him with the back of his hand that still kept their fingers tightly wound, “I basically did tell you! I practically threw myself at you!”

“I kissed you first!”

“Yeah but you’re the one that left!”

“I left because I didn't want you thinking I was taking advantage of you. I thought you were rebounding from Kyle and would regret it in the morning and it would ruin our friendship.”

“And I was being so aggressive and pushing you to do it because I thought for whatever reason you were into me, even if it was just a brief in the heat of the moment kind of thing. It was the first time you had ever made a move on me so I figured it was my one and only chance to ever be with you like that and I didn’t want to miss my shot.”

Kenny sighed and shook his head but felt too ecstatic to have the simple fact that he never had to leave and he almost blew his chance bring his mood down.

“We're a couple of dumbasses, huh?”

“Apparently.”

Deep blue eyes locked in on light blue and their wide grins faded to looks of intense want once again. Kenny’s thumb subconsciously traced along Stan’s features as he saw him slowly lean his face towards him. The hunger grew inside of Kenny and he wanted nothing more than the taste of Stan on his tongue once again. But before that could happen, his brain cruelly enough brought Kyle back to the forefront of his mind causing his elation to come to a halting stop.

Kenny’s hand fell from Stan’s face and he leaned back barely an inch away from him as he approached. It was a subtle move but it was too tight of quarters to miss and Stan raised an eyebrow at him.

“Are you seriously pulling away again? What the fuck is it this time?”

“What about Kyle?”

“What about him?”

‘I just don’t know how I feel about it. I know you said he doesn’t feel the same and it sounds like you’re getting over him, but…” Kenny shrugged and lowered his eyes, “I just feel like I would be constantly competing against him and there’s no way I could win if he suddenly…”

“Kenny…”

“You deserve the best, Stan. Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

Kenny had more to say but before he could continue with his poisonous thoughts he felt Stan’s warm hands wrap around his face causing his line of sight to immediately shoot up and find his own gaze.

“I want you, Kenny. I don’t know how else to say it. I don’t know what kind of crazy shit is running around your head but I like you and I want you and nothing is going to change that.”

“What about…”

“Kyle is a non-issue. I promise you. Even if he called me right now and said he was an idiot and he changed his mind, I’d still choose you.”

Kenny’s heart fluttered back to life. He never realized how badly he wanted to hear Stan say those words until just now. He had been an idiot to doubt and question him, to let his negative thoughts take over, but he vowed right there and then he wouldn’t allow it to happen again. He would never pull away from Stan, he would never leave him ever again no matter what crazy things his insecure mind told him. And just to show his evil, logical brain that he meant it, Kenny pushed himself forward and captured Stan’s mouth with his own.

It felt like magic as Stan’s tongue made its way past his lips and explored his mouth. It was fierce and exciting and a rush of thrill went through Kenny as he pulled Stan as close to him as the space between them would allow. The kiss was so very similar to the last one they had shared on Friday night except it felt different somehow.

It was even better.

The freeing feeling of confessing his deep dark secret to Stan and knowing that he wanted him back filled him with unimaginable bliss. It was the best feeling Kenny had ever had and he never wanted to come down from this high ever again.

After some time, Kenny could never be sure how long it was, Stan finally pulled back just enough to rest his forehead on Kenny’s. A smile playing on his features even as he took in big gulps of air to catch his breath.

Kenny watched him as he ran his hands up his arms, through his hair, down his cheeks, everywhere he could. He couldn’t get enough of Stan Marsh and touching him reminded him that this was real life still and not just another one of his fantasies.

“As fun as making out in my car is, maybe we should go somewhere else.”

Kenny’s eyes wandered back down to Stan’s lips as they spoke, “What did you have in mind?”

“Well, my parents are working late tonight. We can go to my place and we can pick up where we left off on Friday.” 

Stan gave him a seductive smirk which made every part of Kenny react. He groaned as he felt the temptation grow inside of him but despite his urges, he shook his head.

“No. If I’m doing this, I'm going to do it right. Let's take things slow.”

Stan groaned impatiently, “How slow?”

Stan’s hand found Kenny’s knee and drifted his fingers up along the length of his thigh. Kenny felt a shiver go down his spine at his touch, his voice sounding deep and throaty as he tried to maintain his composure;

“Not slow enough if you keep doing that.”

Stan grinned with a cocky edge and it only made Kenny want him more, but he fought against his urges and placed his hand over Stan’s to stop him from getting dangerously close to a sensitive area.

“I don’t want to rush this. I’ve had enough quick flings and I want this to be different. You know, special and all that sappy shit.”

“Awe my little Kenny’s all grown up.”

“Shut the fuck up, dude. I’m really trying here.”

“I know and it’s cute.” Stan brushed away some hair strands that had fallen into Kenny’s eyes, “You don’t have to overthink it so much, I like you, you like me. Let’s just go with it from there.”

“I’m not gonna lie that whole virgin thing is still freaking me out a little bit.”

“Seriously? Why?”

“I’ve never been someone’s first time.” Kenny confessed. “And I’m not exactly boyfriend material. I just really don’t want to fuck it up.”

Stan gave him one of those warm smiles that made all his doubts want to fly out the window;

“You won’t. I trust you. You’re one of the best people I know, that’s why you’ve always been one of my best friends. So if you can handle the prestigious title of best friend, you’re absolutely boyfriend material. At least I think so.”

Kenny bit on his lip as he tried to suppress a growing smirk,

“You saying you want me to be your boyfriend, Stanley?”

“Do you want to be?” Stan blushed shyly, a flicker of apprehension in his tone.

“Yeah actually. I really fucking do.”

A rush of adrenaline coursed through Kenny as he felt Stan’s lips crash down on his own. He welcomed him by allowing his tongue in to explore his mouth in the desperate electrifying way he had grown to crave. Kenny’s hands made their way to Stan’s hair, his fingers brushing through his thick locks knowing it would pull the most pleasurable moans from him.

“You sure you want to take things slow?” Stan grumbled practically into Kenny’s mouth.

Kenny chucked and gently shoved the eager and aroused boy off of him to Stan’s instant displeasure. Kenny felt fired up seeing the desire in his eyes and even though he was starting to question his own ideas of taking things slow, he was enjoying the way he was making Stan sweat.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Kenny teased, “I feel like we should do some boyfriend stuff before we seal the deal.”

“Like what?” Stan bantered back. “You’ve already met my parents, I know how you take your coffee, we’ve been on multiple trips together, and we probably know more about each other than most married couples do. What more do you need?”

Kenny tapped his chin to make it look like he was deeply considering, “How about we go on a date?”

“A date? Like dinner and a movie or something?”

“Yeah something like that.”

Stan smiled, “I like that idea.”

“Good.” Kenny smiled back, “Where do you want to go on our first date?”

Stan’s face crinkled in thought, “Umm. Burger King?”

Kenny blinked in disbelief, “Not exactly romantic but okay…Why?”

“Cause they’re fast there… And I’m starving.” Stan replied sheepishly.

“Our date doesn’t have to be right now.” Kenny laughed, “I just meant we should do something special, not just hang out like we usually do. An actual, honest to God, date. But yeah fine let’s go to Burger King and we can plan this date out. Sounds good?”

“Sounds great. It can be a mini date before the actual date.” Stan grinned and maneuvered back over to put his seatbelt on so he could drive.

Kenny watched him as he shifted the gear and started backing out of the spot. He used the opportunity to take him in entirely, all his features and mannerisms, and had to stop himself from gasping out loud as the reality finally set in that after all this time, Stan Marsh would actually be his. Not just for this moment, not just for the night, but for as long as he would have him. It felt like he had won the lottery with a ticket he hadn’t paid for.

Stan caught him staring and raised a content eyebrow at him, “What?”

“I’m never going to be good enough for you, Stan.” He breathed.

“Dude, stop. You already are.”

“No, I’m not.” Kenny shook his head but kept his focus on Stan, “But I’m going to do everything I can to try and be.”

Stan pumped down on the brake and took his right hand off the wheel so he could turn his body to look him straight on;

“Just keep being you, Kenny. I don’t know how you see yourself, but when I look at you I see someone caring, and loyal, someone who doesn’t give up even when the world wants to shit on him, an amazing big brother, an incredible friend, a strong person who has been through more than most people can take, someone anyone can trust and can turn to. You’re the best, Kenny. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it a million times, or until you finally believe me… You’re the best.”

Kenny felt his heart in his throat and those pesky tears started making their way back to his eyes;

“Stan I…”

“Not to mention…” Stan quickly interrupted, “The best kisser in all of South Park.”

Kenny choked out an unexpected laugh which forced some of the tears from his eyes;

“All of South Park, huh?”

“Probably more like in the country but I didn’t want it to go to your head too much yet.”

Kenny wiped his face as the laughter continued, “You’re pretty good yourself. I’d say you could easily take second place.”

Stan shook his head and turned his focus back out the windshield as he pulled the truck out of Stark’s Pond;

“I need more practice. But lucky for me, my boyfriend is the best kisser in South Park. So hopefully he’ll give me some pointers.”

Stan flashed a knowing look over at Kenny who matched his gaze with a smirk;

“I don’t think you need many pointers. But I’ll be happy to practice with you. We can practice all night if we have to.”

Stan chuckled, “I’m in.”

Stan reached his hand over and interlaced his fingers with Kenny’s and the two continued to laugh and hold hands the rest of the drive and into the night. It was easy and wonderful and more than either of them could have hoped for. There were no expectations, no longer any doubt, they were just two deliriously happy boys excited to start this new adventure together.

It was common knowledge that everyone in South Park knew a few things for certain and it didn't take long at all for everyone in that small mountain town to know for certain that Kenny Fucking McCormick was head over heels, straight to the moon, passionately in love with Stan Marsh.

And Stan Marsh knew that Kenny Fucking McCormick was the best damn thing that had ever happened to him.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***
> 
> Whoa… So I just took a look at the word count… And to quote my beloved Stan Marsh…
> 
> “Jesus Christ, Dude!”
> 
> I can’t believe I turned this passing daydream I had of Kenny pining after Stan into an actual story. But I’m so glad I did. I truly loved writing it and honestly did so for my own enjoyment. I wasn’t really expecting anything so it was super exciting to see that it was actually getting Kudos and comments from you wonderful people!
> 
> So I’d just like to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for reading this!! It really does mean a lot!! I hope my fellow Stenny shippers enjoyed it (because we all know there isn’t nearly enough Stenny content out there)! And for the rest of you, I hope that maybe this turned you into a Stenny shipper ;)
> 
> Thank you all again! Until next time <3
> 
> ***
> 
> ***  
UPDATE:  
The amazing goldsnafu-art made me some fan art of this story!!!!  
I can't even BEGIN to express how happy this made me and how much I love it!!  
Thank you SO INCREDIBLY MUCH!!! <3
> 
> Check it out here: https://goldsnafu-arts.tumblr.com/post/615407661577568256/this-is-my-part-of-the-art-trade-with
> 
> Also everyone go follow her! Her art is amazing!!


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